Two Minute's Worth of Thought, A Year's Worth of Learning

I came home from camp this weekend so thankful--for all that I have, where I am, and for just how much He loves me. I've been so wrapped up in who I am, what I've done, where I've been, and where I'm going, but no matter how much I think about, pamper, and live for, myself, it will  never make me happy. It has taken me so long to really truly understand the meaning and the importance of humility. It really is thinking less about yourself...not thinking bad about yourself or beating yourself up, but rather being content where God has placed you and thinking constantly about how you can serve other people.
This weekend taught me a lot about that. I've become so insecure and timid lately, and while I think about being confident and adventurous, really ready to take on the hard stuff, I shrink away when the opportunities are presented to me. It might seem juvenile to you, but it's a struggle I face every day.
But I don't need to be afraid, I don't need to be alone, because He is always there, and if He is always there, what do I have to worry about?
Nothing.
Nothing.
I have a quote written on the inside cover of my Bible that says "Don't ask God to use you if you're not willing to move your feet."
It's taken me a long time,
but I'm willing.

With All My Heart

Have you ever thought about how shallow life can be? We fill our days with so many little meaningless things in hopes that someday it will add up to something. We eat three meals a day (well some of us), drive to work, drive home, go to school, sleep, stare at our phones, edit pictures for Instagram, gossip with friends and family about other people's lives.. But what does all that really do? I slip so often into a cycle of getting up late, filling my days with inconsequential tasks, staying up into the wee hours of the morning, and repeating the process. And then I wonder why my spirit feels so dry and thirsty. I wonder why my heart is shrouded in a thick cloud of depression and why I can't seem to see anything good in life. I've heard and read so many times that the only sanity in a world of insanity is Christ--and my heart knows the truth of it. When I content myself to merely wade through the shallows of His love and my relationship with Him, the rest of me dries up and my soul aches as it begins to return to the dust from which He made me. I read so many articles about the church and Christians, not to mention society, rejecting absolute truth, the Biblical definition of marriage, supporting abortion and homosexual rights, and my heart breaks. My heart breaks because in every single case it is people trying to rediscover themselves and fill the void inside their hearts with things that never last and never truly satisfy. My heart aches almost to the point that I don't even care to live because life seems hopeless and all that is good lost. But He created me for a life of joy and fullness, to bring Him glory and spread His fame--how can I live that way if I am shrouded in eternal sadness?
I can't.
Not in my own strength.
He tells me that I cannot be comfortable in the world and that I will be hated because I proclaim His name--He tells me that I am an alien, and I know it to be true. So why then do I deny my destiny, my homeland, my first Love? Why do I content myself with living a shallow life, wading in the warm waters near the sandy shores? Do I not want to get my hair wet, have to wear myself out struggling to swim against the waves? Or is it simply because living in the shallows is much easier than swimming out to sea? My beloved, you and I will never be satisfied if we are not willing to give our all. He whispers to my heart You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart. I'm not sure I've ever done anything in my entire life with all my heart. I'm not even sure I know what that means.
But I crave Him and I long for Him like I could never long for another. I've tasted, but I have not drunk deeply enough of Him, and my heart shall never be satisfied. If I ever learn to do anything with all my heart, it shall be to seek His face, for He is my heart's ambition--my soul's destination.
And He has done so much.
Oh so much-- for me.

Giving Thanks

I've spent far too long thinking about myself--my dreams, my whims, my wishes, my brokenness, my struggles.. Everything about me and what is going on in my heart and life. It's a paradox, really, if you think about it long enough. I try to figure myself out and work through all my struggles by both writing and thinking, but the fullest healing comes when I forget about myself and think instead of other people and how I can bless their lives. My contentment blooms when my heart is thankful--not just to and for those who love and care for me, but also when I learn to say thank you for the hard things, because those things are what mold me into becoming truly beautiful.
Life and living is such a mystery and enigma to me. Whenever I think that I've got something all worked out inside my mind my perspective is shattered and my dreams either broken or enlarged. There is a passage in the Bible, I can't think of where it is at the moment, that likens people to lumps of clay being worked by the potter's hands. God is the potter, and I am the clay.
God can't make me into a beautiful vessel unless I am soft to His touch and His will, and when I become hard, sometimes He has to break me. And then I fall into those lowest ebbs of tide and into the deepest darkest valleys and I have to choke out His name. I choke out His name and He brings me light. God, in His infinite wisdom, has given each and every one of us a free will to choose to either be soft to His touch and love, or to turn away in defiance and self-love. And for me, Thanksgiving is a call to return to His arms and His love in reverent thankfulness, remembering not only what He has done for us on the cross, but also what He continues to do each and every moment of our lives. Though my sin and selfishness blinds me to His grace and all His gifts, He has made a way for me to be renewed and made whole again.
For His mercies are new every morning.
And though my stubborn and foolish heart may turn its back on His face day after day, His arms never stop reaching out to me. For though I am faithless, He is faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.

I need to take more time to be thankful.