Dark Memories

An uncomfortable heat has welled up in my throat.

So many things--memories--keep coming to my mind.

It's been so long since I thought of these things,

so long since I tried to remember stories or things from my childhood.

It's all been eaten up--

consumed by the people I thought I could trust.

I feel so dusty and old,

so diluted.

You left home when I was 17.

He came into my life when I was 18.

And eight months went by & I was left heart-broken, sickened by the world,

& forever different.

You have no idea how much you tore me up inside, both of you.

And then you came along,

when I thought I was done with foolish relationships.

And instead of wanting to marry me,

you just wanted a recreational relationship.

And I fell for it.

Just like I fell for everything else.

It's no wonder to me how so many women hate men.

Some "love" you just to have you, possess you, control you.

Some "adore" you just to have a "someone"--just to make themselves feel important and wanted.

And still others just hold you at arms length but somehow still strip you of everything. No commitments, no scars. Or so they say.

But every once in awhile you can find a gem.

Someone humble,

funny,

adventurous,

caring,

hard-working,

& God-fearing.

Once in a blue moon,

  as my momma would say.

Talking to you has made me realize just how much pain I haven't dealt with--

just how much I've always craved,

  and been willing to give everything for,

that affection.

I wonder how different my life would have been if my daddy had been the kind of man he should have been.

You wouldn't have taken so much of my heart,

& other parts of me as well.

And you, well, you maybe wouldn't have thought it so easy to take so much from me without even a fake "I love you."

Life hurts

  like hell.

But I have a God who redeems me out of my troubles and somehow uses all this brokenness for good.

How, I'm still not even sure,

but He does.

And for all my impurity,

& wandering,

He still calls me by my name--

beloved.

And He whispers,

You are mine.

How can I ever repay Him,

  how can I ever love Him enough!

Oh my God,

how You have changed me!

How You have cleansed and redeemed and loved me!

So as I reflect upon all the memories, most of which only come from the distant past,

and try to keep on forgetting all the dark and evil times from 16-20,

hopefully somewhere I'll find,

deep in the recesses of my mind,

some beautiful things to remember.

But He said to me,

"My grace is sufficient for you,

  for My power is made perfect in weakness."

Wilted, but Alive

It's been so long since I've been here--
  so long since it's mattered.

These past two days have been the most horrendous struggle for me.
It seems to me that the past always has this habit of sneaking back up on you when you least expect it;
it waits to jump out at you until it knows that it will illicit a scream.

I saw his face--
  a face I once trusted,
and I can't even describe the feelings that ripped through my body and heart.

It was like I was torn open by bullets--
  like I was ripped apart like something devoured.

A wave of nauseating heat poured over me,
  and it was all I could do to keep my heart inside my chest.
Even now it is beating fast--too fast.

I'm feeling faint.

My stomach churned,
  I felt the bile rise in my throat.

I don't know how just one person can make you feel so much like you're on the brink of dying.
Even as I poured out my heart & concerns to my best friend today,
  the hot tears poured down my face.

When it ended,
  I couldn't cry;
I had no tears,
  and all I felt was emptiness and like I was worthless & used.

It ended in bitter tears
  that kept themselves lodged deep within my chest,
unable to rise to the surface.

But as I struggle with the pictures in my head and the nightmares that stalk my heart,
  I know that I'm not that person from three years ago.

I'm broken still,
  but I'm redeemed.
Bought back.

What a wonderful thing,
  to be bought back.
What a wonderful thing is the love of Christ,
  forgiving even the dirtiest wench.

I'm not who I was three years ago,
  and I'm sorry for all the things we did.
You tried to make me into who you wanted,
  I tried to make you desire me to the point that you would never let go.

You broke my heart,
  and I probably broke yours.
I'm not really sure about that last part though.

Maybe you're alone,
  and maybe you're not,
But you've long since been gone from my life,
  even though your face has stalked my heart.

Oh my God,
  how I need You.
In these little hours that my mind beats me,
  I know You're still there.
You keep me, You guide me,
  You love me, You never leave me..

It is You, Oh God, that I truly love.
  You loved me when I was the most unlovable.

I am redeemed.
I am loved.
I am pursued.
I am sought after.
I am pure.
I am holy.
I am HIS.

He is GOOD.

Two Minute's Worth of Thought, A Year's Worth of Learning

I came home from camp this weekend so thankful--for all that I have, where I am, and for just how much He loves me. I've been so wrapped up in who I am, what I've done, where I've been, and where I'm going, but no matter how much I think about, pamper, and live for, myself, it will  never make me happy. It has taken me so long to really truly understand the meaning and the importance of humility. It really is thinking less about yourself...not thinking bad about yourself or beating yourself up, but rather being content where God has placed you and thinking constantly about how you can serve other people.
This weekend taught me a lot about that. I've become so insecure and timid lately, and while I think about being confident and adventurous, really ready to take on the hard stuff, I shrink away when the opportunities are presented to me. It might seem juvenile to you, but it's a struggle I face every day.
But I don't need to be afraid, I don't need to be alone, because He is always there, and if He is always there, what do I have to worry about?
Nothing.
Nothing.
I have a quote written on the inside cover of my Bible that says "Don't ask God to use you if you're not willing to move your feet."
It's taken me a long time,
but I'm willing.