So many things--memories--keep coming to my mind.
It's been so long since I thought of these things,
so long since I tried to remember stories or things from my childhood.
It's all been eaten up--
consumed by the people I thought I could trust.
I feel so dusty and old,
so diluted.
You left home when I was 17.
He came into my life when I was 18.
And eight months went by & I was left heart-broken, sickened by the world,
& forever different.
You have no idea how much you tore me up inside, both of you.
And then you came along,
when I thought I was done with foolish relationships.
And instead of wanting to marry me,
you just wanted a recreational relationship.
And I fell for it.
Just like I fell for everything else.
It's no wonder to me how so many women hate men.
Some "love" you just to have you, possess you, control you.
Some "adore" you just to have a "someone"--just to make themselves feel important and wanted.
And still others just hold you at arms length but somehow still strip you of everything. No commitments, no scars. Or so they say.
But every once in awhile you can find a gem.
Someone humble,
funny,
adventurous,
caring,
hard-working,
& God-fearing.
Once in a blue moon,
as my momma would say.
Talking to you has made me realize just how much pain I haven't dealt with--
just how much I've always craved,
and been willing to give everything for,
that affection.
I wonder how different my life would have been if my daddy had been the kind of man he should have been.
You wouldn't have taken so much of my heart,
& other parts of me as well.
And you, well, you maybe wouldn't have thought it so easy to take so much from me without even a fake "I love you."
Life hurts
like hell.
But I have a God who redeems me out of my troubles and somehow uses all this brokenness for good.
How, I'm still not even sure,
but He does.
And for all my impurity,
& wandering,
He still calls me by my name--
beloved.
And He whispers,
You are mine.
How can I ever repay Him,
how can I ever love Him enough!
Oh my God,
how You have changed me!
How You have cleansed and redeemed and loved me!
So as I reflect upon all the memories, most of which only come from the distant past,
and try to keep on forgetting all the dark and evil times from 16-20,
hopefully somewhere I'll find,
deep in the recesses of my mind,
some beautiful things to remember.
But He said to me,
"My grace is sufficient for you,
for My power is made perfect in weakness."
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