It's A Beginning

Today I'm reading in: ℋEBREWS 1
The introduction to the book of Hebrews states it was written to encourage Christians in time of trial; and it goes on to say that it does so by focusing on the supremacy and sufficiency of Jesus Christ. Isn't it so true, even though we fail to see it, that when we focus on Jesus, and focus on the good things that He gives us, they encourage us and make us joyful?
1:1-2 "In many times and many ways" God spoke to the peoples-through the prophets. Now, we have the Son who speaks to us-we have the gift of the Holy Spirit to lead us wherever we should go.
1:8-9 Jesus rules with a scepter of uprighteousness; He hates the evil and loves the good, therefore "God, your God, has anointed you with the oil of gladness beyond your companions."
1:12b: "But You are the same, and your years will have no end." ♡
What to remember today:
① When we are in the midst of trials, focus on the good-the fullness and completeness of Him and the gifts we have been given.
② Always be talking to and listening to Jesus; do not grieve or quench the Spirit by refusing to listen.
③ Love uprightness; is gives men joy, gladness, and peace.
☂ for now

If Only...

It seems lately as if I can't scrub those two little words out of my mind and heart. They birth such an ache and a dreadful emptiness inside my soul. It teaches me to be unthankful, full of self, and bitter about the cards I have been played. In my mind I say, "If only I had a cabin in the woods..." all the way to "If only I hadn't done..."
There is an empty echo inside me when I catch myself saying those words, as if somehow feelings of guilt or remorse, greed or desires could fill me. I've tried to fill myself with things before, but I have failed miserably to create happiness.
It always amazes me that we human beings try to fill that ache in our hearts with things, or with people, but we overlook the realization that no matter what we try, when it's over we're still searching.
Searching.
Empty.
Lonely.
Numb.
Tired.
Deeper than the surface feelings, it's that emptiness you feel, and are slightly aware of no matter where you go and what you do. Even in the busiest day it hangs like a cobweb in the back if your mind. I'm quite familiar with the feeling. I fight it nearly every day.
I don't have to sit here sad about what I don't have. And I don't have to sit here bitter about what has happened to me throughout my life.
I don't have to be chained.
It has been said that when you are focused on the past you feel guilty, and when you focus on the future you feel fear and apprehension. But then there is the present. In the present we find peace.
Peace is such an interesting word; but despite the word, the meaning and implications are astounding. It always puzzled me how people would talk about being in the hardest part of their lives, and then they continue on to say that in the midst of it they have peace. Peace. Is that was peace means? Is it putting aside the fears and guilt and living today to the fullest?
When you look over your shoulder at the past it points its finger and scoffs at you, reminding you of all the times you've failed; and then there is the future. He is running away, looking over his shoulder, dreaming a lion is chasing him. Why do we make life so hard for ourselves? Why do we wish to live in the land of "if only...?"
I ask why, and then I go my way, and not five seconds later it returns like a pestering gnat. "But what if, if only...." And the weakness inside me trembles.

I Never Knew

I never dreamt I could hurt this much; to have this much stripped away. I never knew, I never knew.

I think of the melody, the words--"When you don't understand, and you can't see His hand, trust His heart." It keeps repeating inside my mind, over and over. I have a feeling, a deep dread that it is the only thing keeping me from falling over and melting into a puddle on the ground.

And I need to cry, but my eyes are so dry. I need to fall down in the rain, but the sun is shining bright. All I feel is so entirely numb. So numb I hardly feel alive.

Oh Jesus, oh dear God, I can't see Your hand. Why does it have to be so hard, why does the load have to be so excruciatingly heavy? My eyes so painfully dry?

A Weakened, Bleeding Heart

Some nights are so calm I almost wish for a thunderstorm to break out; for the thunder to rock the world and the lightning to strike every man deserving. I wish for the pounding rain to stream down my face, soak through my clothes, and wash this ache away. Oh the ache. I don't know how to describe it other than the throbbing of a toothache, or the tight squeezing of a weakened heart. I'm out of words, I feel so broken, so lost. 

I'm fighting tonight between what I know and what I feel. I know that I am not lost; I know that I am saved; I know that no matter how dark the night, the dawn will always come, but I feel so empty. So entirely lonely. Not for people, not for things. I feel lonely for God. I am feeling God-hungry tonight. When I feel like this, so empty, like I wish the ground's arms would reach up and pull me under, my little broken heart cries, and it cries, and it cries. And when the tears are all gone and I'm still lying here broken on the floor, He is always there, still there, to pick me up. For like that poem says, when there was only one set of footprints, He was carrying me. 

I need to rest in my Jesus's arms tonight.

He knows my pain; He knows my past; and He still holds my hand.

A Bird and A Clock

It's the ticking of clock
That echoes through the house
And it's the singing of the birds
That echoes through the night.

Hand in hand they sound together
But one fades away and the other
Stays and stays.

How transient the bird seems, for it
Flits to and fro, sometimes coming back
  And sometimes never here;
And yet the steady clock ticks on and on,
Steady, consistent, no variation or shadow of change.

The clock echoes through an empty house,
Leaving a mark cold and quite unfeeling,
But the bird, oh the bird-
It flits into the sunset, lights on wires
And sings its song over again for me.

Day after day it lives,
Flying where it has never been before,
And God takes note of a sparrow,
While a clock is but a tool that does not live.

So what's my point, you ask?
Well, I was just thinking, it's
So much better to live alive,
Actually sing and fly and breathe,
Than be a stiff echo that never changes,
Never feels, never hears, never sees.

So what, may I ask, are you?
I choose to be a bird.
I choose to live alive, and free.
I choose to sing.

Freedom for the Oppressed

I found a verse today in the Psalms. Chapter 9, actually, for the 9th of April. Psalms 9:9-10, it says: "The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know Your name put their trust in You, for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek You."

How often do we forget that God is always there for us; we find ourselves believing that He is too far to hear or help when we are distressed, in trouble; sad, or lonely. He is my refuge, my Protector, my Provider, my Emmanuel, my Jehovah Jireh, my Savior, my Redeemer, my truest and closest Friend. The One I can always count on, always lean on, always trust. Why do I not go to Him then, when He is the ultimate source of all my help? He says He is a "stronghold for the oppressed," and He is a refuge in times of trouble, an ever-present companion and shelter in every storm of life. It has been said that God will either calm you or calm your storm, and somehow I believe that God calms me more than be calms my storms. He wants me to grow and mature and become more and more dependent and surrendered to Him, and if we never had need of Him, it would never happen.

So once again, all things work together for good to those who love God and have been called according to His purposes.