Close My Eyes and Forget

I don’t know how to let this go; I don’t know how to deal with this. It steals my words and paralyzes my heart. I sit here and listen to the radio play in the background, I don’t know what to think anymore. So I give myself an alternate reality. I lose myself in thought; maybe when I come back this mess will all be gone. But it is wishful thinking. Day after day I live with the same thoughts, maybe if I shared them I could work through them, and maybe I couldn't  I just don’t know. My life is a question mark, my existence not tangible. My days are like unto a dream fading. Losing sleep, doubting myself, doubting the existence of love. If someone says they love you and yet treats you with no respect and as if you were just an object to possess and control, how can I be expected to have a pure description of love? It is like an elusive bird that flits here and there to tall branches, waiting until your hand stretches out to touch it, and then flitting away again. So I’ll just sit down in this tall grass and try to think of happy things, maybe I’ll just dream here until I die. Maybe I’ll push all these memories away and never let them crowd in again; forget these days and forget these faces. I feel as if I was on the precipice of an immeasurable canyon, looking over, standing on the very edge, leaning over, numb to the pain, numb to the fear or falling, numb to the knowledge that death is pulling at my heart and hand. What would it feel like to step off, to just let go and never remember?

Half Asleep

A thread of morning light peaked underneath the edge of the sheets, and a hint of a rain-infused air tickled her nose. The silence of the early morning crept into her heart, rocking her into those sweet dreams again. The breeze lifted the curtains into a billowing cloud and the door handle turned; the floor squeaked under his step. As he opened the door cautiously and peaked in he heard a step coming around the corner. Wary, he stepped inside her room and shut the door, not wanting to be seen. Ear to the door, he listened until the footsteps died away. It was then that he turned and noticed her. Deep in dreams, she smiled in her sleep. Her long curls were draped over her shoulders and framed her face softly. Her small form was curled up on her side- completely relaxed- completely asleep. His feet carried him to the side of her bed; he so longed to reach out and touch her- to reach out and hold her. He brushed the hair from her eyes and stooped to kiss her cheek. He was such a fool; why had he given her up?
As the door scraped shut behind him her eyes flickered and she yawned and stretched. Was that kiss a dream? She must not think of him; there was no use breaking her heart over the impossible. But she knew deep down that he would be the only one she could ever love, she just tried to forget that that was true.

A Craving for Chocolate Cake

A lull of voices drifts in from another room, and it feels like another world. Like it’s somewhere I’m separated from, like something I’ll never know for myself. The clock ticks steadily on; across the room the face never changes, the hands never cease their steady rhythm. My window is dark but I can faintly see a star twinkling in the distance; I wish it were summer and the crickets were out, and the air cooled to a pleasant breeze. I remember those days when I would sit outside and just listen to the crickets- listen to the birds that sing in the night- the sound of insects buzzing and the smell of fresh-cut grass. But my imagination fails me, and the poignancy of those memories evaporate all too quickly. And here I am again, sitting here in this quiet. No wind, no crickets, no stars. Just me and the quiet; the lull of the voices in the background. And a craving for chocolate cake.

A Flicker of Candlelight

Fear is that horrible figure clothed in black; it slinks among the shadows and like worms eats away at your flesh. It is the darkest blackness and the bitterest drug. It drives insane, it carries souls to violence and death. And yet how subtlety the shadow creeps upon my skin, the prickles up my neck and like a cold, strong fist, wraps against this heart and squeezes. Squeezes, wrenches, murders. But then I see that flicker of candlelight, I hear that stillness settle to peace; the hand upon my throat slackens and falls away when He says “Peace, be still.” When that still, small voice whispers in my ears. I close my eyes and breathe Him in. Fresh air, pure air- Holy One, Immanuel.

"Thus says God, the Lord,
who created the heavens and stretched them out,
who spread out the earth and what comes from it,
who gives breath to the people on it
and spirit to those who walk in it:
'I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness;
I will take you by the hand and keep you;
I will give you as a covenant for the people,
a light for the nations,
to open the eyes that are blind,
to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,
from the prison those who sit in darkness.
I am the Lord; that is my name;
my glory I give to no other,
nor my praise to carved idols.
Behold, the former things have come to pass,
and new things I now declare;
before they spring forth
I tell you of them.'”
(Isaiah 42:5-9 ESV)

A New Wind

I came up out of the water
Raised my hands up to the Father
Gave it all to him that day
Felt a new wind kiss my face
Walked away, Eyes wide open
Could finally see where I was going
It didn’t matter where I’d been
I’m not the same man I was then

I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost
Lines get crossed
and the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, Now here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am
Changed

I got a lot of “Hey, I’m sorry”s
The things I’ve done
Man, that was not me
I wish that I could take it all back
I just want to tell em’ that
Tell ‘em that

I got off track, I made mistakes
Back slid my way into that place where souls get lost
Lines get crossed
and the pain won’t go away
I hit my knees, Now here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am

I’m changed for the better
More smiles, less bitter
I’m even starting to forgive myself

I hit my knee, I’m here I stand
There I was, now here I am
Here I am, Here I am, Here I am
Changed
Yes I am
I’m changed for the better.
Thank God I’m changed.

(Changed, Rascal Flatts)

Eyes Fixed Far Away

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn't come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I've fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

(The Hurt and the Healer, MercyMe)

A Spark of Candlelight

There is a terrible gnawing in the pit of my stomach; an uncomfortable tightness, a dead weight pressing upon my mind and heart. It’s not that hollow pain I know so well, and it’s not that sharp pang in my chest. Just a gnawing, a slowly pressing heaviness. As if I was walking through those dark woods again; those dark woods where many a beast has stalked me before; where the memories assail me and hunt me down- longing to taste my flesh and spill my blood. The dry twigs crunch underneath my feet, and an owl hoots in the pine towering far above my head. The moon is full, casting eerie shadows in an already darkened world. I hear my own raspy breathing; I feel my own heart pounding; my own throat constricting and squeezing the life from my lungs. It is I; I am my own worst enemy. These pathways of my mind and heart are dark and void of even candlelight. All I can do is grope about, feeling for the walls, only feeling the slime and hearing the drip-drip-drip of the gaping cavern. I hear the squeaking of the mice as they scurry to escape my feet. I cannot tell if my eyes are open or not; I touch my eyes and feel my eyelashes blinking, but my mind cannot decipher between the darkness crowding in, or the darkness already pervading my heart.
I have no need of a candle, though, to find a spark of light. For this precious coal is treasured deep within my heart; when the darkness seems to deep to face, and another day too hard to bear, He’a still there; He’s always there.

The Hollow of His Hand

“I am the Lord; I have called you in righteousness;
I will take you by the hand and keep you;
I will give you as a covenant for the people,
a light for the nations,
to open the eyes that are blind,
to bring out the prisoners from the dungeon,
from the prison those who sit in darkness.
I am the Lord; that is my name;
my glory I give to no other,
nor my praise to carved idols.
Behold, the former things have come to pass,
and new things I now declare;
before they spring forth
I tell you of them.”

(Isaiah 42:6-9 ESV)

Just a Shadow on the Carpet

If I left, would I be missed? If no one acts like they care now, why would they when I’m gone? I’d be a shadow that steals across the floor at noon and deepens into darkness when the sun sinks to the other side of the world. I understand now why people never stay in the same place. They move somewhere because maybe somewhere else they’ll feel wanted; not forgotten. Today’s gonna be rough; I’m thinking too much.

Ghosts Over My Shoulder

Walking down the hall, all those ghosts following behind. Faces of dreams and wishes; clinging to my garments. I cheat myself; I dream and don’t believe reality. Those words “maybe” and “someday” whisper little doubts in my ears; I can’t let go of all these people. I’m still hanging on like they’re gonna turn around.
The teakettle whistles in the kitchen, and calls my name, but I feel like I’m chained to this seat- like my legs are nothing but bags filled with sand. I haven’t known what I felt or what I wanted for a long time; and I’m tired of making decisions. Everything is vague, like a vapor. I must feel nothing, but why does my heart beat this way in my chest?
What a way to start off a new week; feeling emotionally put out and weak. I’ll cling to my Jesus; He’ll give me strength. I can’t tell people things; I’ll tell the Savior who already knows and still holds out His arms to me. Because He’ll never let me go; no matter how dark the horizon looms. I’m so small, and can’t see above the thunderheads, but He is so tall, He can see the light above them, the beauty behind them, the peace in the midst of them. So I’ll trust Him again; I’ll take His hand again.

A Man Lacking Sense

"I passed by the field of a sluggard,
by the vineyard of a man lacking sense,
and behold, it was all overgrown with thorns;
the ground was covered with nettles,
and its stone wall was broken down.
Then I saw and considered it;
I looked and received instruction.
A little sleep, a little slumber,
a little folding of the hands to rest,
and poverty will come upon you like a robber,
and want like an armed man."

(Proverbs 24:30-34 ESV)

Brush of A Kiss

I paused as I reached the crest of the hill. The breeze was whistling in the trees and the green carpet under my feet was swaying in the wind. I watched as the birds flew overhead, and I heard their happy love songs in the distance. The breeze held my face in its hands and kissed my lips; and stealing my words, it then walked away and left me standing there. I didn't know what to do- I didn't know why I was standing there; but I couldn't move. The pages of my memories flipped past as the wind turned the pages, and I let them all slip away; all the love, all the mistakes, all the weakness. Raising my hand to the wind, I opened my hand and my heart and let them fly away.
I told myself that to move on I had to let go of the pain, and the promises, and the dreams. It was time to live in reality; it was time to live- instead of just dreaming of living. For if I couldn't die for anything, I wondered why I was alive.

Watching Over Me

"For, the Lord said to me:
I will quietly look out from My place,
like shimmering heat in sunshine,
like a rain cloud in harvest heat.
For before the harvest, when the blossoming is over
and the blossom becomes a ripening grape,
He will cut off the shoots with a pruning knife,
and tear away and remove the branches."

(Isaiah 18:4, 5 HCSB)

To Know

"I am in them and You are in Me.
May they be made completely one,
so the world may know You have sent Me
and have loved them as You have loved Me.
Father, I desire those You have given Me
to be with Me where I am.
Then they will see My glory,
which You have given Me
because You loved Me before the world’s foundation.
Righteous Father!
The world has not known You.
However, I have known You,
and these have known that You sent Me.
I made Your name known to them
and will make it known,
so the love You have loved Me with
may be in them and I may be in them."

(John 17:23-26 HCSB)

A prayer of Jesus to His Father , God, on behalf of his people; His beloved church and sheep.
How touched I am to read the words of my Savior as He prayed for me. How beautiful to know He loved me so much that He would die to take my place.

Never Forget

Most days I try to not remember all that I've done that I regret; and there is much to forget; the memory of the ashes smeared across my heart- the blackest ink and the charred remains of a faint glimmer. But I need to remember; if I don’t ever remember, I’ll only slip back into that way of thinking again. I’ll slip back down the wall of that miry pit that my Savior reached down into and pulled me out. I have to remember again so that I won’t squander and waste His precious gift. His gift of grace and love.
So I’ll sit here in the dark and let my gratefulness wash over me; and this is when I love my tears. It has taken me making mistakes over and over again to learn these lessons; I won’t forget them so easily the next time. I know, for He promises me that He won't let me be tested beyond what I am able to bear; and I know no matter how far I run, and no matter how long I might wander, that I’ll never escape His arms- I’ll never outrun His love- or His justice.
To think that I’m clean; to think that a God so big would stoop to love me- my heart will never stop thanking; I will never forget.

Shivering Once Again

Sometimes I wonder what in the world have I done with myself. I see myself in the mirror and look for a fragment of somebody I know, but all I see is a shell I've lived in for eighteen years. Just simply a shell, this body. An encasement for a hungry soul that dreams in the night. Dreams that haunt a heart and prods it to run away screaming into the darkness. Such is not how I was meant to live, for I am given a future and a hope, but some days it's hard to focus beyond the sin and the shame. But I know, that no matter what happens, tonight in my dreams, or tomorrow in my day, I know that I am His, I am redeemed, I am bought back when it was my own hand that sold me.

Withered

A pressing weight settled upon her soul. A stirring emotion, and a choking sadness. As the wind whipped her hair around her face and danced with a spirit not her own, her heart grew dead and cold in her chest. It was as a heavy stone, settling down in her stomach and as a hard knot in her throat. But her eyes were dry. Her face remained unchanged; her form unmoved by the force of the wind. Her body would not move, her face would not betray her emotion, but her heart lay on the ground at her feet, as her soul, crying out and withering like the dead grass strewn across the grey moors.
She would never be the same again; her heart was dead.