Eating My Heart

This is eating me like an acid in the back of my throat; there is a lump forming in my throat and my head feels tingly and light and like it's being eaten away by doubt and worry and my breathing is shallow and even though I'm breathing it feels as if I am not taking in any air and my lungs burn with the worry and the questioning of if I have really done wrong; if I really have fallen so far as to convince myself to run ahead of God. I've been hurt by the words, how can I turn them around and say them so flippantly; so flippantly without even thinking. Have I been a fool again and just fallen? Why would I care so much for myself to disregard any feelings of anyone else? Am I still such a debased, selfish coward looking out only for myself?
I'm lying on the table and my chest is laid open and cut into pieces. My heart is being eaten by the cold air and it beats and beats and beats and as it searches to survive it beats out every drop of blood until there is no more to bleed; until there is nothing but air to pump. And it slowly dries and shrivels until it's just a tough lump of old muscle, waiting to be discarded; waiting to dissolve into the dust it was formed from.

The Hum

There is a silent hum of cars on the highway in the distance. It takes me back into those moments when I was just a little girl. Curled up in the sleeping bag with the finicky zipper and the deer jumping on the red fleece on the inside. When I would bury my head inside and just a head covered in curls would be visible. The roar of a semi would pass on the highway just on the other side of the yard and the road and the garden. And the paneling on the wall would glow with the ethereal light of the porch. I would raise up my arm and trace the lines in the air. And I would look across the room to where hung the painting of a mother comforting her small child, held in her arms, loving. And now I’m no longer a little girl; I may have put away childish things but I still look for those moments. But most times I forget to see. We remember seeing but we forget to look. You have to see the well to drink of it. But to see, some times you have to close your eyes. Because when you close your eyes, it forces you to believe.

A Startling Revelation

It starts to dawn upon my mind and bloom upon my heart the mystery that this really is. The expansiveness of what I call my God. I look up at the stars at night and I see the moonlight pouring into both my room and my heart and I can only breathe. Because He loves me. In a universe so big, in a world with so many people, His eyes fix on me, and He bends His head to hear my cries. Oh that a wretch like I should be such blessed. And in every pain of life and every little joy grace abounds. For shall we take the good gifts from the Father's hand and refuse the things that fill us with pain? The things that fill us with pain and scar our hearts and hands are quite often the most important things our lives could ever hold. I know, that without those things, I would be so much more dirty, so much farther away from my Savior than I ever was before.

Love to Conquer Nations

Floods, fights, wars, famine; divorce, broken hearts and disease – our world and lives are pockmarked with pain and evil, and we wonder where God is in the midst of chaos. But He has given us a gilded promise, carved in rocks, as everlasting as our names marked for salvation; this promise is this: “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God…” (Romans 8:28) This is the way that God molds character – the way He impresses upon human hearts. His great love, and faithfulness, and His great capacity for second chances. There once was a girl whose world was falling apart around her. Her parents were going through an ugly divorce and she felt alone and abandoned. Scarred by the hurt and bitterness that like an acid was eating away at her heart. She was vulnerable to the lies of Satan; she believed him when he whispered in her ear that there was no such thing as love; she believed him when he spoke about how she could never be close to the God she longed to love with her whole life. Her pain and these lies  pushed her away from the only real love she could ever know. She gave into these thoughts time and time again and so the days crawled by and as the nights slunk away every sense of love and joy and goodness were snatched from within her heart. But the day came. The day came when her own darkness was revealed to her. She was standing at the very edge of the abyss; she had passed through death’s door in her mind and she felt the demons clawing for her soul – willing her to fall – to fall and give up for good the gift of her salvation and joy in Christ. She didn’t want to make a decision; she didn’t want to give up her pain and anger and bitterness – but she could not bear the thought of eternity without her King; so she surrendered; and she laid it all at His precious pierced feet. She confessed all her blackness and forsook all her darkness and took the hand of the Lamb – so she could walk in light once again. She laughed and cried and her heart felt as if it would overflow with the joy that she felt. She cried tears of joy every time she remembered just how much she’d been forgiven – and just how much the price had cost Him. She had utter confidence in His love now – she had faith in His precious promises. Nothing she could do would ever take Him away from her, and no one would be able to steal Him away. His love for her was a love strong enough to conquer nations; a love strong enough to split mountains, a love strong enough to rend Him from His Father to free her, and yet it was a love gentle enough to stoop down from His throne among the stars to whisper in her ear “Beloved, peace, be still.”
And for such was I; I was that girl; and this is my peace, this is my consolation: “…we know that all things work together for good to them that love God.” Through the ugliness of abuse, through the bitterness of pain, through the anger of divorce, I was hardened and broken; broken because I could not be bended; but just the shell was hardened. God, in His infinite mercy, has preserved my heart from utter harness, and when He broke me, He revealed a lump of clay – soft, warm, moldable, to His tender touch; this, this is why pain can be precious – this – this is why His love can conquer nations. And in this, I know, truly, that I am blessed.

The Lightener of my Darkness

With the merciful You show Yourself merciful; with the blameless man You show Yourself blameless; with the purified You show Yourself pure; and with the crooked You make Yourself seem tortuous. For You save a humble people, but the haughty eyes You bring down. For it is You who light my lamp; the Lord my God lightens my darkness. For by You I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. This God–His way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him. -Psalm 18:25-30
God’s way is perfect. Think about this – really stop and think now. If His way is perfect, and we are walking in His ways, and we are called by His name, then nothing that happens in our lives is without a purpose. All those things that we deem as worthless and time-consuming or harmful to us really are working out for our good then. It goes back to that verse, Romans 8:28, that says “All things work together for good to them that love God and who are called according to His purpose.” All these many pains, if we seek God’s face and cling to Him, will really in the end work out for our good and for His glory. For remember, He says, “…I know the plans I have for you…plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, I will be found by you, declares the Lord…” [Jeremiah 29:11-14]

He loves us, He truly does.