28th November 2014; 11:20-49pm
Today was a strange day, and it felt turned up-side down. In my random rushing from thing to thing inside this quiet house I forgot to feel. It sounds, of course, a little cliché, but I keep forgetting, day after day, to suck the marrow out of the bones of life. But as I pause to reflect tonight, with my copy of God's breath sitting in my lap, I will be thankful. I'm thankful for the worn and underlined pages of this Book in my hands, and I'm thankful that He has loved me so much as to remind me, ever so gently, of both His love and His justice written on the pages therein. Thank You Jesus for the feel of these keys under my fingertips as I close my eyes and pen these words to You. Thank You for the moonlight shining through my window onto the hardwood floor, and for the little Christmas lights strung so simply across the corner of my room. Thank You for this warm bed, and the security and comfort that it brings me. Thank You for these painted walls and the way it reminds me of the innocence of girlhood. Thank You for the rings upon my finger and the promise that You will one day complete my sanctification--my purity--even though I struggle day to day to hold onto that promise, and the one I've made to myself. Thank You for the struggles of patience and kindness that I have dealt with today, and the knowledge that struggles mold me into a deeper, more compassionate person. Thank You for Your never-ending mercy and love to me, a sinner, when I do not deserve Your grace. Thank You for mediocre home-made coffee and old British TV shows that make me smile. Thank You for my hard-working and strong mom and all that she does, and will continue to do, for me. Thank You for my brother and the man You are growing him into being. Thank You for these heart-wrenches when I think of people I've lost and experiences gone wrong--thank You for transforming my pain and mistakes into a path of refinement for my feet. Thank You for the ticking of the clocks all around my room, and the sound of cars on the freeway. Thank You for the light of the sun and the warmth it brings to my chilled skin. And thank You for Your light that takes the edge of self-pity off my heart and warms it, instead, to Your gentle and tender touch.
Thank You Jesus.
I love You.
8th October 2014; 10:40-11:14pm
I've realized that the more I'm thankful, the more I have to be thankful for, but so often I get bogged down with the little things of life. Most often the lack of money, not having the things I desire, not having a significant other, my personal beauty (or lack thereof), and just plain old laziness and thick, sluggish apathy that cripples me so I can't do anything. But the amazing thing is that the more I pour out my thanks the more my craving ceases.
Thank You, Jesus, for putting me where I am today--here, at home, in the middle and the in-between of life-phases, enjoying the quietness of no job, no school, and time home alone. Thank You for sunshine that warms my toes and puts a smile on my lips. Thank You for the little mini-me in cat form that would lay on my stomach for hours. I'm thankful for my thoughtful mom who bought me the blouse I've been wanting when she knew I couldn't spend more money. I'm thankful for the roar and whir of airplanes late at night. I'm thankful for simple stitches in scraps of fabric, and for the faces that make my creativity flow. I'm thankful for the hazel of my eyes that shines when light hits them. I'm thankful for fuzzy blankets and the comfort they bring. I'm thankful for mugs of hot tea and homemade lattes and warm milk. I'm thankful for ramen noodles and cheez-its. I'm thankful for smooth hardwood floors and failing attempts at yoga. I'm thankful for pink lipstick and short hair. I'm thankful for Your mercy, grace, & endless love for me, a wretch who will never fail to fall and will never succeed at being who I want to be. Thank You for honest words that cut right to the heart of my struggles as a woman, as a girl, and as a loveless lover. Thank You that You are full of second chances even when I wake up every day and become more of a fool than I was the day before. Thank You that You always see the best in me when I can no longer see anything but darkness and doubt.
2nd October 2014; 12:31-50am
It's so hard to be thankful tonight because my heart is heavy in my chest...but I know that it's the hard things that teach me the most. Thank You for this aching loneliness that makes being with someone so much sweeter. Thank You for the bright fall sunshine that warms the skin and the brisk wind that cools my cheeks and makes me shiver when I stand in shadows. Thank You for the simple frustrations in life--the trials that grow my patience and teach my soul that though the fire may hurt, it burns out my many impurities. I'm thankful for piping hot tea that warms my stomach and brings a tinge of pink to my cheeks as I sit here in bed. I'm thankful for friendships that I've had--even if I don't have them anymore and the comfort they once brought my soul. I'm thankful for perpetually cold toes and needle pricks in the tips of my fingers. I'm thankful for spoiled tv shows and spilled drinks in the car. I'm thankful for messy hair days and dying flowers. I'm thankful for heartaches and disappointments, and the fact that though they chill my heart, they make me more sensitive to how I treat those around me. I'm thankful for the pile of washed clothes that somehow didn't make it to the closet. I'm thankful for the pricks and aching of my heart because I know then for sure that there is one inside my chest. I'm thankful for the days when I'm all alone in the house, and the moments that, though I want to do so much, I end up doing so little. I'm thankful for the still quiet that I find within these walls when there is only my heart and God's to talk to. I'm thankful for sad romantic music and the way it makes my own heart long to the point of aching. I'm thankful for self-control and the knowledge that though I don't have much, I still have enough to say no. I'm thankful for the comfort of curling up in bed and the bliss of an empty mind that comes with the quiet of night and sleep.
I think, though, the thing I'm thankful for the most tonight is the knowledge that even though my heart is aching almost to the point of breaking, and my eyes keep welling up with tears, the One who crafted my soul knows I'm inside this moment, and He loves me just the same--and I daresay, just the way I am.
29th September 2014; 12:43am
I'm thankful for the sound of rain pouring outside my window as I lay here in my bed. I can imagine the drops falling and hitting the still-green leaves on the trees and flowing as a stream down the gutter, creating puddles in the lawn. I'm thankful for the warmth of my bed, and even the simple fact that I have a bed to sleep in. I'm thankful for my loving mom, who, even though I have pushed her away and lived alone, has still loved me through it all. I'm thankful for the wind as it whistles past my windows and seeks to catch its fingers on the edge of the brick. I'm thankful for a beautiful sermon that whispered to my lonely and sleeping heart that His love never fails, but rather always endures--always giving me a chance to change and to turn back when my heart grows dark, and when the only words are "...and it was night."
