So Many Things

"Where will you go when your wildfire all burns out

and no one cares anymore."

I've been struggling so much the past few weeks, more like months, now...

with a lack of feeling hungry, but intense mood changes instead;

with a lack of true conversation with someone other than my man;

with a lack of communication with the people I thought who cared enough to keep in contact;

with a feeling of un-appreciation and being burnt out on everything I've ever done.

And all of it has crowded down on top of me with such a ferocity that at least once a week I find myself crying desperate tears and experiencing heaves of shortness of breath.

I just feel totally alone and I don't know how to fix it or how to move on. 

I feel like my wildfire has all burnt out, and the only thing I have left is an empty heart--not even full of the poetry that used to spill forth from my soul with every aching breath.

How times have changed for this girl. From sitting in a sun-soaked bedroom shared with my sister, staring out the window and going on walks, to a married woman preparing to buy a house within the next year.

I find myself caught up in a world that is moving too fast, changes happening all around me, and so much of the world devoid of any hope, or love, or peace.

I cry out to my God and try to mediate on His unending and boundless love for me, but more often than not I get sucked into the trap of self-pity and thanklessness, completely ignoring all the good that surrounds me and instead dwelling on the darkness.

I don't want to be that kind of person. 

I must remind myself to give thanks in all circumstances, just as I am commanded--beloved child of God.