Precious in His Hand

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!

(Psalm 139:1-18, 23, 24 ESV)

So Thankful

My Jesus, I love Thee
I know Thou art Mine

If ever I loved Thee
My Jesus, ’tis now

Your peace, Your Love dearest Jesus,
Guard me each step of the way

When rocks are thrown hard
And I fall down to my knees

When storms rage and wage
War upon my soul

When little doubts like serpents
Wiggle themselves into my mind

Jesus, You’re always here
Jesus, You’ve never left

I have left and walked away
And I have stolen my own purity

I left myself as dirty trash
And walked away from guarding me

I clawed and grasped and tore and raged
But Your love, it just would not let me go

And I, I am so infinitely thankful, dear Lord

It’s a phrase I’ve spoken over and over
Maybe next time I’ll be better

But I never am, and neither can you be
For we are inherently evil, inherently torn

As this pain seeks to overwhelm
And this doubt almost seems to crush and suffocate

I see
And for once I understand

Through this pain You’re drawing me in
Closer to You than ever before

And for this I’m forever thankful
For this I always look twice
To see how through these moments of anguish You’ll grow me.

Thank You Jesus, that You do.

L'amour, Votre Petit Fantôme

Crunchy ground and whispering tree
What is there, next there for me
Here I come and here I go
Wondering where these shadows run.

Through those darkened, deepened trees
Where all around me silence lays
Beady eyes are following
Following me through these trees.

One step, two step following
As these leaves crunch underneath
Breaking up this silence till
Pieces of it will suffocate
Suffocate me till I’m still.

Shivers up and down my spine
And quivers in my heart
Stumbling, but I’ll carry on
Someday I’ll be free.
I breathe.

But still his eyes were following
Still his shadow stalked
Like a beast in black and grey
Coming up there behind me.

I came upon a glade and then
Like a moment paused and stopped
Round me did my world did spin
And my eyes grew dim.

There he was and there he stood
His breath hot on my neck
Greedy hands around my throat
Filling up these choking lungs.

In a moment all was still
And then I saw myself, I fell
Lifeless down upon the grass
Eyes glazed over hard as glass

Now it’s I that follow you
Through those woods and through those glades
Never can you escape my eyes
And yours have grown so scared.

But like a ghost I’ll follow you
I’ll never leave your side
You took my life, my spirit lives
And it, it will not die.

Follow, follow, follow still.
Follow, follow, follow still.

Like a ghost I’ll follow you
Follow, follow, follow.

I Found a Window on a Hill

I found a window on a hill
It was broken but it still
Shone for all the world to see
Little pieces of who it used to be

Next to that window stood its frame
Bent and broken, scarred and shamed
It used to hold the clearest glass
For to the world to see
But once again lost in the past
Struggling to perceive

Around them both grew wildflowers
Up through the gloom and scarlet hours
Through the pains and through the pieces
Of a crushed and broken dream

Then came I upon that hill
And stopped and wondered until
The air grew heavy with that scent
Of wildflowers and peaceful rest

When the air grew dim
And the stars above shone down
Those pieces still reflected even when upon the ground
So could my heart when it grew grim
And upon my lips there came a hymn

And once again tonight I wonder
To who my piece will next reflect
If it will within them grow a fonder
Dream of one not broken yet.


For broken they do not have to be.

With All Your Heart

My son, do not forget my teaching,
but let your heart keep my commandments,
for length of days and years of life
and peace they will add to you.
Let not steadfast love and faithfulness forsake you;
bind them around your neck;
write them on the tablet of your heart.
So you will find favor and good success
in the sight of God and man.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.
Be not wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord, and turn away from evil.
It will be healing to your flesh
and refreshment to your bones.
Honor the Lord with your wealth
and with the firstfruits of all your produce;
then your barns will be filled with plenty,
and your vats will be bursting with wine.
My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline
or be weary of his reproof,
for the Lord reproves him whom he loves,
as a father the son in whom he delights.
Blessed is the one who finds wisdom,
and the one who gets understanding,
for the gain from her is better than gain from silver
and her profit better than gold.
She is more precious than jewels,
and nothing you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are ways of pleasantness,
and all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her;
those who hold her fast are called blessed.
The Lord by wisdom founded the earth;
by understanding he established the heavens;
by his knowledge the deeps broke open,
and the clouds drop down the dew.
My son, do not lose sight of these—
keep sound wisdom and discretion,
and they will be life for your soul
and adornment for your neck.
Then you will walk on your way securely,
and your foot will not stumble.
If you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet.
Do not be afraid of sudden terror
or of the ruin of the wicked, when it comes,
for the Lord will be your confidence
and will keep your foot from being caught.
Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due,
when it is in your power to do it.
Do not say to your neighbor, “Go, and come again,
tomorrow I will give it”—when you have it with you.
Do not plan evil against your neighbor,
who dwells trustingly beside you.
Do not contend with a man for no reason,
when he has done you no harm.
Do not envy a man of violence
and do not choose any of his ways,
for the devious person is an abomination to the Lord,
but the upright are in his confidence.
The Lord’s curse is on the house of the wicked,
but he blesses the dwelling of the righteous.
Toward the scorners he is scornful,
but to the humble he gives favor.
The wise will inherit honor,
but fools get disgrace.

(Proverbs 3:1-35 ESV)

Morning Light

You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away. And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning. And you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in security. You will lie down, and none will make you afraid; many will court your favor. But the eyes of the wicked will fail; all way of escape will be lost to them, and their hope is to breathe their last.” (Job 11:16-20 ESV)

To Live, To Die

Pounding, stomping steadily the din grew louder. Reaching in closer- tormenting this soul. The fingers of that doubt creep slowly in and wrap around my heart. And like a vise it squeezes- forcing out the life- the light. Until the fear fills up my eyes; until the darkness folds me in. Like a flower crushed underfoot I fall prey to this crushing weight. Until I lie there bleeding, my life-blood slowly pulsing away. Then faintly in this tender tune my eyes will shut, these moments fade. This darkness clinging to my arms becomes a comfort. Now no one knows. I’ve died.

Sweetly & the Song She Sings

In my mind I’m sitting there, swaying in this little hammock, out back of my little cabin, looking out onto these tall fragrant pines. The spring is newly budded and the gardens freshly planted. These crocuses and hyacinths and peeking up their faces and showing their royal colors. The ferns are just beginning to show- thick and bright as they emerge from their rich bed of soil. The air is thick and heavy with rain and the scent of fresh turned soil. My leg is hanging over the side as I swing myself back and forth, my discarded book is lying strewn on my lap, and this steaming mug is poised upon my lips. My curls are softly draping these small shoulders, and these eyes are glowing bright. In the distance robins are wooing their lovers, and though this early twilight the silence settles into a coming night that will be deep and quiet. There is a dove cooing upon my chimney and a faint breeze is caressing my cheeks and twining my curls around it’s finger. I watch as slowly the darkness deepens and all these creatures drift into sleep. The moon rises slowly over the tops of the evergreen trees and a million stars dance over my head. I’ll lay my head back and start to count until this lullaby carries me to bed. Maybe someday I’ll wake up and it won’t be just a dream.

Even In My Dreams

I am the sea on a moonless night,
Calling, falling, slipping tides
I am the leaky, dripping pipes
The endless aching drops of light
I am the raindrop falling down,
Always longing for the deeper ground
I am the broken, breaking seas
Even my blood finds ways to bleed

Even the rivers ways to run
Even the rain to reach the sun
Even my thirsty streams,
Even in my dreams

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

I am the thorn stuck in your side,
I am the one that you left behind,
I am the dried up doubting eyes
Looking for the well that won’t run dry

Running hard for the other side
The world that I’ve always been denied
Running hard for the infinite
With the tears of the saints and hypocrites

Oh blood of black and white and gray
Death and life and night and day
One by one by one
We let our rivers run

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
Looking for you

I can hear you breathing,
I can hear you leading
More than just a feeling
More than just a feeling
I can feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
’til the final healing
I’m looking for you

Until the sea of glass we meet
At last completed and complete
The tide of tear and pain subside
Laughter drinks them dry

I’ll be waiting
Anticipating
All that I aim for
What I was made for
With every heartbeat
All of my blood bleeds
Running inside me
Looking for you

I am restless, I am restless
I am restless, looking for you
I am restless, I run like the ocean to find your shore
I’m looking for you

I can feel you breathing
I can feel you leading
More than just a feeling
More than just a feeling
I can feel you reaching
Pushing through the ceiling
’til the final healing
I’m looking for you
I’m looking for you

(Restless, Switchfoot)

The Irony

“When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him. When a man is getting worse he understands his badness less and less. A moderately bad man knows he is not very good: a thoroughly bad man thinks he is all right. This is common sense, really. You understand sleep when you are awake, not while you are sleeping. You can see mistakes in arithmetic when your mind is working properly: while you are making them you cannot see them. You can understand the nature of drunkenness when you are sober, not when you are drunk. Good people know about both good and evil: bad people do not know about either.”
-from Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis

Sweet Release

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
(Matthew 11:28-30 ESV)

Fading, Suffocating

I feel like I’m suffocating. This air I’m breathing in and out is hot and thick and heavy; like a burden to these lungs. No energy, lifeless, listless. Not going anywhere, feeling dead. Maybe it’s just this time of day. Maybe it’s just this month, this year. These days plod on wearily and my eyes are red with watching. My heart isn’t mourning, it’s just not awake. The robins are singing and I’d usually follow them, but I can’t stand, and I can’t think. I’m walking dead, I’m fading.

Overwhelmed

God didn’t create the Christian life to be comfortable. Think about it for a minute. God had to be born into a human body, a part of His creation, and humbled Himself to the point of a servant. He set aside His glory, His kingdom, His throne to walk on the dust He spoke into being.
He humbled Himself, gave up so He could give.
He walked with and taught men who could not understand even the simplest things; He was always reminding them and re-teaching them the valuable lessons they would need.
He was patient. His mercy for a struggling mind and heart is infinite.
As He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane He asked God the Father is there was any way, any way, that this cup, His death and humiliation could pass from Him. But He said, “Father, not My will, but Yours be done.” He was betrayed by one who said he was a close friend. He was falsely accused and sentenced. He was taken and beaten until His back was filled and ripped and bleeding. Thorns molded into a crown was shoved down upon His head. Yet He was silent. He was mocked and humiliated. Forced to carry His cross to Calvary where nails were driven into His hands and feet and He was hung to die.
And upon that tree He endured Hell for every man and for all eternity. All those evil things and all those sins He willingly took upon Himself so that we could be spared. So that we might live.
The sacrifice, the love is so great. The realization knocks me to my knees. That the King of the universe- the Creator and Savior was willing to be shamed for me, that He would willingly let the blood drip from his sinless body and splash upon the ground for me.
How can we not give our all? How can we not give up these things, mere things that chain us to the ground and seal our lips and rot our hearts?
Such great sacrifice, but so many rewards. All we have to do is accept that gift of salvation, say Yes, Lord Jesus, I believe, and I repent. And we give our lives to Christ. For He broke free from death and He gave us back the life, the true life, that we gave up and squandered when we disobeyed.
My heart is overwhelmed with His love. He gave His all for me, how can I not give my all for Him? So the whole world could know this wonderful Love and forgiveness.

And we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and the one who remains in love remains in God, and God remains in him. In this, love is perfected with us so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment, for we are as He is in this world. There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us. (1 John 4:16-19 HCSB)

Quiet My Soul

Savior I come
Quiet my soul
Remember
Redemption’s hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and tried
Human
The Word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you’re risen

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

(Lead Me To The Cross, Hillsong United)