Close My Eyes and Forget

I don’t know how to let this go; I don’t know how to deal with this. It steals my words and paralyzes my heart. I sit here and listen to the radio play in the background, I don’t know what to think anymore. So I give myself an alternate reality. I lose myself in thought; maybe when I come back this mess will all be gone. But it is wishful thinking. Day after day I live with the same thoughts, maybe if I shared them I could work through them, and maybe I couldn't  I just don’t know. My life is a question mark, my existence not tangible. My days are like unto a dream fading. Losing sleep, doubting myself, doubting the existence of love. If someone says they love you and yet treats you with no respect and as if you were just an object to possess and control, how can I be expected to have a pure description of love? It is like an elusive bird that flits here and there to tall branches, waiting until your hand stretches out to touch it, and then flitting away again. So I’ll just sit down in this tall grass and try to think of happy things, maybe I’ll just dream here until I die. Maybe I’ll push all these memories away and never let them crowd in again; forget these days and forget these faces. I feel as if I was on the precipice of an immeasurable canyon, looking over, standing on the very edge, leaning over, numb to the pain, numb to the fear or falling, numb to the knowledge that death is pulling at my heart and hand. What would it feel like to step off, to just let go and never remember?