If Only...

It seems lately as if I can't scrub those two little words out of my mind and heart. They birth such an ache and a dreadful emptiness inside my soul. It teaches me to be unthankful, full of self, and bitter about the cards I have been played. In my mind I say, "If only I had a cabin in the woods..." all the way to "If only I hadn't done..."
There is an empty echo inside me when I catch myself saying those words, as if somehow feelings of guilt or remorse, greed or desires could fill me. I've tried to fill myself with things before, but I have failed miserably to create happiness.
It always amazes me that we human beings try to fill that ache in our hearts with things, or with people, but we overlook the realization that no matter what we try, when it's over we're still searching.
Searching.
Empty.
Lonely.
Numb.
Tired.
Deeper than the surface feelings, it's that emptiness you feel, and are slightly aware of no matter where you go and what you do. Even in the busiest day it hangs like a cobweb in the back if your mind. I'm quite familiar with the feeling. I fight it nearly every day.
I don't have to sit here sad about what I don't have. And I don't have to sit here bitter about what has happened to me throughout my life.
I don't have to be chained.
It has been said that when you are focused on the past you feel guilty, and when you focus on the future you feel fear and apprehension. But then there is the present. In the present we find peace.
Peace is such an interesting word; but despite the word, the meaning and implications are astounding. It always puzzled me how people would talk about being in the hardest part of their lives, and then they continue on to say that in the midst of it they have peace. Peace. Is that was peace means? Is it putting aside the fears and guilt and living today to the fullest?
When you look over your shoulder at the past it points its finger and scoffs at you, reminding you of all the times you've failed; and then there is the future. He is running away, looking over his shoulder, dreaming a lion is chasing him. Why do we make life so hard for ourselves? Why do we wish to live in the land of "if only...?"
I ask why, and then I go my way, and not five seconds later it returns like a pestering gnat. "But what if, if only...." And the weakness inside me trembles.