Wilted, but Alive

It's been so long since I've been here--
  so long since it's mattered.

These past two days have been the most horrendous struggle for me.
It seems to me that the past always has this habit of sneaking back up on you when you least expect it;
it waits to jump out at you until it knows that it will illicit a scream.

I saw his face--
  a face I once trusted,
and I can't even describe the feelings that ripped through my body and heart.

It was like I was torn open by bullets--
  like I was ripped apart like something devoured.

A wave of nauseating heat poured over me,
  and it was all I could do to keep my heart inside my chest.
Even now it is beating fast--too fast.

I'm feeling faint.

My stomach churned,
  I felt the bile rise in my throat.

I don't know how just one person can make you feel so much like you're on the brink of dying.
Even as I poured out my heart & concerns to my best friend today,
  the hot tears poured down my face.

When it ended,
  I couldn't cry;
I had no tears,
  and all I felt was emptiness and like I was worthless & used.

It ended in bitter tears
  that kept themselves lodged deep within my chest,
unable to rise to the surface.

But as I struggle with the pictures in my head and the nightmares that stalk my heart,
  I know that I'm not that person from three years ago.

I'm broken still,
  but I'm redeemed.
Bought back.

What a wonderful thing,
  to be bought back.
What a wonderful thing is the love of Christ,
  forgiving even the dirtiest wench.

I'm not who I was three years ago,
  and I'm sorry for all the things we did.
You tried to make me into who you wanted,
  I tried to make you desire me to the point that you would never let go.

You broke my heart,
  and I probably broke yours.
I'm not really sure about that last part though.

Maybe you're alone,
  and maybe you're not,
But you've long since been gone from my life,
  even though your face has stalked my heart.

Oh my God,
  how I need You.
In these little hours that my mind beats me,
  I know You're still there.
You keep me, You guide me,
  You love me, You never leave me..

It is You, Oh God, that I truly love.
  You loved me when I was the most unlovable.

I am redeemed.
I am loved.
I am pursued.
I am sought after.
I am pure.
I am holy.
I am HIS.

He is GOOD.