Wilted, but Alive

It's been so long since I've been here--
  so long since it's mattered.

These past two days have been the most horrendous struggle for me.
It seems to me that the past always has this habit of sneaking back up on you when you least expect it;
it waits to jump out at you until it knows that it will illicit a scream.

I saw his face--
  a face I once trusted,
and I can't even describe the feelings that ripped through my body and heart.

It was like I was torn open by bullets--
  like I was ripped apart like something devoured.

A wave of nauseating heat poured over me,
  and it was all I could do to keep my heart inside my chest.
Even now it is beating fast--too fast.

I'm feeling faint.

My stomach churned,
  I felt the bile rise in my throat.

I don't know how just one person can make you feel so much like you're on the brink of dying.
Even as I poured out my heart & concerns to my best friend today,
  the hot tears poured down my face.

When it ended,
  I couldn't cry;
I had no tears,
  and all I felt was emptiness and like I was worthless & used.

It ended in bitter tears
  that kept themselves lodged deep within my chest,
unable to rise to the surface.

But as I struggle with the pictures in my head and the nightmares that stalk my heart,
  I know that I'm not that person from three years ago.

I'm broken still,
  but I'm redeemed.
Bought back.

What a wonderful thing,
  to be bought back.
What a wonderful thing is the love of Christ,
  forgiving even the dirtiest wench.

I'm not who I was three years ago,
  and I'm sorry for all the things we did.
You tried to make me into who you wanted,
  I tried to make you desire me to the point that you would never let go.

You broke my heart,
  and I probably broke yours.
I'm not really sure about that last part though.

Maybe you're alone,
  and maybe you're not,
But you've long since been gone from my life,
  even though your face has stalked my heart.

Oh my God,
  how I need You.
In these little hours that my mind beats me,
  I know You're still there.
You keep me, You guide me,
  You love me, You never leave me..

It is You, Oh God, that I truly love.
  You loved me when I was the most unlovable.

I am redeemed.
I am loved.
I am pursued.
I am sought after.
I am pure.
I am holy.
I am HIS.

He is GOOD.

Two Minute's Worth of Thought, A Year's Worth of Learning

I came home from camp this weekend so thankful--for all that I have, where I am, and for just how much He loves me. I've been so wrapped up in who I am, what I've done, where I've been, and where I'm going, but no matter how much I think about, pamper, and live for, myself, it will  never make me happy. It has taken me so long to really truly understand the meaning and the importance of humility. It really is thinking less about yourself...not thinking bad about yourself or beating yourself up, but rather being content where God has placed you and thinking constantly about how you can serve other people.
This weekend taught me a lot about that. I've become so insecure and timid lately, and while I think about being confident and adventurous, really ready to take on the hard stuff, I shrink away when the opportunities are presented to me. It might seem juvenile to you, but it's a struggle I face every day.
But I don't need to be afraid, I don't need to be alone, because He is always there, and if He is always there, what do I have to worry about?
Nothing.
Nothing.
I have a quote written on the inside cover of my Bible that says "Don't ask God to use you if you're not willing to move your feet."
It's taken me a long time,
but I'm willing.

With All My Heart

Have you ever thought about how shallow life can be? We fill our days with so many little meaningless things in hopes that someday it will add up to something. We eat three meals a day (well some of us), drive to work, drive home, go to school, sleep, stare at our phones, edit pictures for Instagram, gossip with friends and family about other people's lives.. But what does all that really do? I slip so often into a cycle of getting up late, filling my days with inconsequential tasks, staying up into the wee hours of the morning, and repeating the process. And then I wonder why my spirit feels so dry and thirsty. I wonder why my heart is shrouded in a thick cloud of depression and why I can't seem to see anything good in life. I've heard and read so many times that the only sanity in a world of insanity is Christ--and my heart knows the truth of it. When I content myself to merely wade through the shallows of His love and my relationship with Him, the rest of me dries up and my soul aches as it begins to return to the dust from which He made me. I read so many articles about the church and Christians, not to mention society, rejecting absolute truth, the Biblical definition of marriage, supporting abortion and homosexual rights, and my heart breaks. My heart breaks because in every single case it is people trying to rediscover themselves and fill the void inside their hearts with things that never last and never truly satisfy. My heart aches almost to the point that I don't even care to live because life seems hopeless and all that is good lost. But He created me for a life of joy and fullness, to bring Him glory and spread His fame--how can I live that way if I am shrouded in eternal sadness?
I can't.
Not in my own strength.
He tells me that I cannot be comfortable in the world and that I will be hated because I proclaim His name--He tells me that I am an alien, and I know it to be true. So why then do I deny my destiny, my homeland, my first Love? Why do I content myself with living a shallow life, wading in the warm waters near the sandy shores? Do I not want to get my hair wet, have to wear myself out struggling to swim against the waves? Or is it simply because living in the shallows is much easier than swimming out to sea? My beloved, you and I will never be satisfied if we are not willing to give our all. He whispers to my heart You will seek Me and find Me, when you seek Me with all your heart. I'm not sure I've ever done anything in my entire life with all my heart. I'm not even sure I know what that means.
But I crave Him and I long for Him like I could never long for another. I've tasted, but I have not drunk deeply enough of Him, and my heart shall never be satisfied. If I ever learn to do anything with all my heart, it shall be to seek His face, for He is my heart's ambition--my soul's destination.
And He has done so much.
Oh so much-- for me.