Leaving

I have the intense desire
In this aching heart of mine
To let the aches I so greatly feel
Harden me into a person irredeemable
And unreachable
Untraceable

I look around at so many faces
And my soul hardens in embitterment
Why does bitterness seem to fill
When all it truly does is empty
These faces
Hold so many secrets
So many secret lusts
Leering eyes
Prideful looks

And yet I know that I look the same as they
I don't know who I am
Or what I live for anymore
I hear voices spurring ones on to walk in integrity
And to choose the right simply because it is right
To walk in the hands of God

And yet I look from a distance
And I no longer partake in that walk
Words come from my lips
But not from my heart
And all I feel is insincerity
And a coldness that seeps into my veins and freezes my heart

I see eyes giddy with love
Overflowing with happiness
And deep in my heart I know I'll never trust enough to love
Craving and shunning
Both will always possess my soul
And I hate the feeling of wanting
And vulnerability
I crave intimacy
But I hate
I hate
The feeling that I'm being used

I want to shut everyone and everything out
  And not need anyone but myself.