It hurts me so much when I think of where I've been, and though I know that I have been forgiven, the pain of the past stabs me with a pang that is all too real. So much respect is lost, so much maturity, so much that you--I--didn't even know was there. It's so true that you don't really know what you have till it's gone. And it hurts me tonight to think of all those things I've lost. The love for tangible things will wear away over time, but what happens when you lose bits of your soul? How possibly can you get those back? Some never come back I suppose. They're like ashes scattered on the wind, or a grain of sand tossed to and fro by the billows of the ocean waves. Oh, this stabbing in my chest is too real--this pain pounding behind my eyes makes me want to die, and the shame nearly chokes me.
Tonight the combination of pain and the realization that sometimes it's necessary to say goodbye haunts me. I wish I could close my eyes and make everything go away, or at least make it right. But in this world mistakes will be made, and problems will be raised. Consequences, whether good or bad, come with every action, and no matter how it hurts, it can't be wished away. Oh how I should know that by now. And yet my resolve melts like snow in August. So many times I try to do it all on my own. The advice follow your heart turns out to be the worst decision I could have ever made--probably yours too if you're honest, for that wickedness that spreads its drops of poison in your veins causes fields to sprout into weeds. How little I believed those words when they said the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked, who can know it. But today I know the truth. I also know that without the cleansing blood of Christ I would still stand condemned and filthy before the throne of Holy God. Some days, like tonight, that feeling of utter worthlessness washes over me and it's all I can do not to drown in this grief, and I have to force myself to dwell on the grace and mercy of God--that He has not given me what I deserve, but instead has given me that which I could never hope for.
