Moments in the Sunshine

I'm struggling today. It seems as if I have a love-hate relationship with the springtime, because, on one hand, this newness makes me feel alive again, like the winter has deadened my senses, and when the sun hits my face, suddenly everything I live for becomes important, rather than shallow. On the other hand, it makes me feel so old and worn, like the gnarled figures of fairy tales--my face creased and blotched like it doesn't belong to me; my heart weak inside my chest and my body unrecognizable because I gaze too long at what I wish to be. But worst of all is my soul; that part that hovers behind my brown-green eyes--those eyes that betray my emotion to the world that flows around me. I feel as if my soul is stagnated, and I can't rise from this spot until all the pains I hold inside are dealt with. My too-little courage, my half-hearted commitment, my half-dreamed dreams, my non-existent ambition... These things that I label myself when I tell myself you can't. You just weren't made for it. It's not for you. You've failed so many times before. You know you're not good enough. The list could go on and on...and somehow tonight sitting in this sunlight I realize that the person holding me back is me; I am my biggest impossibility. I am my own worst enemy. It is me. But it's only because I tell myself that I can't--that I won't.

I think that it's only when we decide to let God tell us who we are that we really know the truth about ourselves. Some days it's all I can do to walk around and look people in the eyes, because the little devil on my shoulder keeps filling my head and heart with those lies. I am not worthless, but I am redeemed. My God died to set me free, and who am I to tell myself that that isn't true. How often do I let myself "be God" instead of listening to His still, small voice telling me who I am and where I need to be.
I think these thoughts started to churn when I realized again today that people don't mean half of what they say. And that realization hurts because how can you take a compliment or an encouraging word to heart when you're always believing that someone doesn't exactly mean what they say. How can you truly believe that you are loved when you're always telling yourself that well, maybe they didn't mean it that way... It's so tiring after awhile--trying to discern truth from error. Friends leave, betray loyalties, turn out to be someone completely different than you thought they were, use you, abuse you, lie to your face... And how can I go on believing that what you say is the truth? Goodness, I can't even believe what I tell myself, because I know that my heart is desperately wicked... So in the end, only God's words are completely true, and only what He knows about me is really what and who I am. And it's so hard to keep dwelling on His words, rather than my own.
I sit here on the concrete of the driveway, my fingers plunking out a melody on my keyboard, and I see my long, honey-brown curls in the reflection, see the grey jeans stretched across my knees and the sweatshirt hiding my arms. It's so hard to believe that there is more than what I see. It's so hard to believe that what my name testifies to be true is really true--beloved. Some days it's my biggest struggle to believe that. I suppose that by the end of the day I would rather be hidden and truly loved by only a few than to be seen by many and mocked for who I am and the struggles I face. I thank God that in Him I shall always find a friend.