In the end, all you'll have is God. I know that deep inside those words beat true, and yet my heart tries to resist the thought and the strange emotion that stirs inside my chest when I think of them. I want to cling to this earthy life and all that it offers, the many things that grace my arms and walls, all my dreams that consist of only these familiar rocks and dirt--and yet I know deep down that none of these will last when I close my eyes in eternal sleep. I'll wake to see my knees upon the floor of heaven, standing before the One Who was the orchestrator of all my life, and Who I more often than not pretended wasn't there. Will I be able to lift my chin, and my eyes to that face that no man can see and live? Or will I only be able to tremble and praise my God for granting me life when all I have ever deserved is death? The soft melody beating inside my heart tells me that I was made for God, and yet when following God tells me that what I want to do I shouldn't, I turn my head away like I'm not denying the deepest part of myself when I walk away from Him. My soul and heart and mind and dreams were all crafted by the One who sits upon that throne, and when I deny Him, am I not denying myself also? Denying all that I truly am, denying all that I want and strive to be? I can never achieve the best of myself when I deny myself the sweetest romance any human being can ever experience. And why? Because I do not want to condition my soul and tell myself no to things that, deep down, I know will only hurt me in the end? Why do I seek to major in my own destruction?
I try to make it so much more than simply coming to His throne. I try to make it a list of do's and don'ts when it was never meant to be that way. My God desires my heart, my allegiance--He desires to be my truest friend, and to teach me how to truly live, and not just this life, but the next. The next being the one what truly matters. How often I forget and cleave to that which will only dissolve in my arms. How can those things be so precious that I gain the whole word and yet lose the deepest, most inward part of myself--my very soul? My eyes are trained upon the ground I walk on, when instead I need to reach out and take the hand of the One who already knows the path and let His feet guide me. How often I leave the One that loves me more than all the other souls of the world put together. How often I forget that all I truly have is God.
