The Thoughts Invoked by a Hot Morning Shower

This morning I took a very long and very hot shower. I wondered how long it would take for the water to wash away every particle of old skin that covered me yesterday. I lifted my face to the shower head and let the steamy water soak into my pores, and it stung. I turned the water off and sighed; why did I feel so exhausted. As I stepped out of the tub and into the hot bathroom psychadelic colors swam inside my vision and my legs felt weak under me. Why is there such a sick sadness creeping into my bones? I breathe and the sadness flows from my lungs and pollutes everything around me. My heart feels as if a vice is restricting its pulses, and it's all I can do not to lay down and tremble and turn pale. The viens in my wrists and my hands bulge and throb as my blood struggles to feed my body. I watch the water drip from my long dark hair onto the cold tile floor. I hear airplanes soaring overhead and the neighborhood traffic of a Thursday morning, and yet, here I am sitting--feeling--so useless. 

A million thoughts are running through my head today, and most of them reek of self-pity and loneliness. Why do I feel like no one wants to see who I really am? Is it just that the people that I want to bare my soul to act as if they do not care? I suppose it's my fault, the way I'm feeling. I stake my happiness on things not meant for me and in places that will only cause me future pain and harm. I'll freely admit that I'm a fool, and anyone who calls me wise, if they listen close, will hear me laughing inside. A wise person knows what is right and follows it, I, on the other hand, know what is right and yet I turn my back on it. It's nothing to be proud of and as I write the words I feel shame within my soul, but I can't deny what I know to be true. I have the secret of life in my hands; I know the only thing that will ever satisfy my soul, and yet, I still search in the most unlikely places for a love I no longer expect. So don't look at me and say she's perfect, don't look at me and say she always does her best. There are too many things you do not know; too many things that I shall never be able to bring my voice to say.