A Heart Half Full

Here I am again sitting in this room that is slowly growing into becoming home, and I'm trying to absorb some of this silence. Just listen to the ticking of the clock and let my heart drift into a comfortable sleep again. If it wasn't so cold outside I'd go look at the stars, but I'm not about to go lay in the snow. So I'll just stare at the ceiling and imagine those tiny points of light peering down at me. I thought it would be easy to do, and yet somehow my mind just can't seem to be able to pull them back. Isn't it strange how the lovely, beautiful things that we should remember so clearly slip from our memories so easily, while the blackness and pain stick like glue to scar and mar our souls. I wonder if that just might be part of the curse of the fall, where suddenly our ability to enjoy and retain the beautiful and good slowly slips away and instead the darkness of the world seeps into our bones and infects everything we do and say and think. And we're all born into that darkness, and each of our souls drip with that night. Deep inside I know that the darkness inside my soul need not remain darkness, and yet when I search for the light I go to a light bulb instead of the sun, and then my heart cries and shrivels when it burns out or fades away. I wonder how long it will take me to realize that there is only one Light that will truly ever make my own eyes shine. I don't understand how I let my heart and soul wander off down so many other paths to search for that part of me that will truly make me whole. Oh I don't understand, and yet somehow I do because I know what it feels like to sit in the silence and know that you are the only one in the world who listens to the beating of your heart or feels the way your lungs move as you breathe. I know what it's like to crave that one person who hungers to know your soul more than every inch of your body. I know what it's like to curl up in your bed and hide your head under the covers wishing that somehow, somehow, you could wake up and be somewhere different, doing something different, being someone else. I know. Believe me, I know. And yet, even that won't fill me. Because I shall never be satisfied with a heart only half full.