Fragments of Thoughts

Some days it's all I can do to keep my guts from spilling out on the street. It seems as if all I ever do anymore is weep inside all day every day. Everything I do is either mediocre or worthless. None of them my dreams, none of them the things I long to do. I know that it's mostly my fault for not taking more of my future into my own hands, but I just can't, not with my family in shatters and no funds to even buy a new outfit. I wish that I could make the people see who I really am. . . I mean, half of the people who really knew me aren't even in my life anymore. I suppose at this point I'm just ranting. I just feel like no one wants to know the real me. The things that make me who I am everyone looks past like they doesn't even exist..

A Question that is Never Far Away

I want to fall wildly in love. So wildly that the inner child in me can't help but escape through my eyes. When whenever I feel like laughing I will, and when the tears stream down my face there are arms always willing to hold and soothe me. I want to be able to drench you in water and wipe flour all over your shirt when we're in the kitchen. I want to be able to giggle and run and hide behind corners while you grin and capture me. I want to be able to unburden my heart of all its anxieties and cares to that person who I know will never leave depending upon what I say. I don't want to have to guard my heart, but rather spill both the ugliness and the treasures upon that person who will love me and hold me no matter what I've done. I want that man who will hold my hand till the day that I die--be that old couple that still holds hands in the grocery store and laughs at the comics in the newspaper. I've said many times that I don't really have a desire to be married, but it's not true..so I won't say it anymore. I crave it like I crave oxygen. It's not just the arms that I want, but the security in knowing that someone loves me so deeply that they want to pledge their life to me--no matter if I am rich, or I am poor; no matter if I am sick, or I am strong; no matter if I am lovable or acting like a demon out of hell. And then my little hurting heart whispers, well, there's no one like that, kid, especially for you. Not just anyone can fill that void in my heart, it has to be the person made especially for me, the person that was made to be mine and I made to be his. I don't want to give myself away to someone who will be a fragment of my past someday, but rather someone who will always cherish me and whatever I have to give. But how do you wait in the meantime. Maybe that's why people are always searching for best friends, and they feel abandoned when they lose someone who was close to them--we have a longing to be close to others, we have a longing to trust. That's really what it is, isn't it? We all want to be able to trust someone with the treasure that we are...even if we say we aren't any treasure at all. And when there is no one...loneliness and hollowness seep into our bones and begin to eat us like acid. Maybe that's why God said it's not good that man should be alone... Tell me, is there anyone out there who will love without asking anything in return? Is there anyone out there that understands the importance of protecting the one they love, not only from others, but from their own self as well? One of my biggest struggles is believing that people mean what they say, that people wish good and not evil. So many nightmares have emerged that show people only wanting what they can get instead of wanting to give all they have...and every time I see a new nightmare or hear a new story I think is there anyone out there who doesn't always grasp for themselves? I know there must be...right?

My Name on the Wind

You are my darling child, My beloved. I gave you your name for a reason, My daughter. Before even time began your story had been written. I already knew the stabs of pain you would feel—I already knew the mistakes you would make and the many places in which you would search for—and yet find no—love. I already knew how many times you would turn from Me to follow your own heart and dreams and desires. And yet, when the moment of your conception came, I allowed you to be formed. As I knit your body together by My own fingers I thought of the life and the soul that would be joined to the skin. Twenty years ago at this time you had only been inside your mother's womb for two months, and yet, I knew you more intimately than you have ever known yourself. I saw your tiny body begin to shape and form. I wove the tapestry of your eyes together and etched the prints into your fingers. I held your tiny hands in Mine—felt the pulses of your beating heart. The months went by quickly and it became time for your mother to bring you forth. Between water and blood came a tiny child—my darling little one. You were no longer a secret to only My eyes—you became born to the world...and though you once knew Me, I have become a stranger to you. My whispers call to you on the breezes, and the flutter of wings spells your name. In every sunset I display My love for you, and every day I pour blessings upon you, but your eyes have been blinded by the darkness of the world around you, and you can no longer see the glory of My face. The tiny hands that I once molded and held now become clenched fists that you shake in My face. You must understand, My darling child, that though I may have the power to change your pain and your heartache, I prize your freedom above My own control. I swore when time began that men would be formed in the likeness of God, and into that likeness you were born. So not only are you free, but every other breathing soul is free as well. And though I love you more than you can ever understand, I will not force you to love Me in return. The choices of men will hurt you all your days, just like I am hurt when you fold your arms and turn away from Me every day. And though you turn from Me, I will not turn from you. My arms will ever tremble to be close to you again—to hold you close inside My arms and soothe your tired heart. You will ever be beautiful in My eyes, my precious one, no matter how many stains scar your heart and make you think they keep you from Me. Let me be your refuge.