Well, I feel like a low-down I don't even know what today. Or right now anyway. Oh Jesus, this is one of those "You know my heart" days. I must feel like slinking into a hole and hiding away-not even caring anymore. I know that that is a wrong attitude to have, but as sure as I'm breathing, I have it. It disgusts me-and yet I cling to it all the more. How ridiculous humans are. Just plain fool ridiculous. I'm sorry for my huge mess of sin, Jesus, I'm sorry for all my selfishness and plain ordinary absurdities. I admit that I want not only myself, but everything else around me to be perfect, and I fear it is creating a monster. It sickens me. I don't even know who I am or who I am supposed to be, Jesus. You, I know I could argue that too, but you know what I mean even more than I do. Oh Jesus, I just don't know what to do. There are so many, many things whirring recklessly around in my mind tonight. Help me to remain fixed on You, Jesus no matter where I and what what I do-or what I don't know to do. Make me like You, Jesus-I long for You and to be like You. For as a deer pants for flowing streams, so I pant for You.
Psalm 42:
I'm panting after You, Jesus, as the deer pants after the cool stream on the mountain's face. The deepest part of me-it longs for You, and it thirst like it has not been filled day after day. My own heart cried out to me-pleading-"When shall I come and appear before God?" Oh God, my God, Your love amazing, Your greatness everlasting. Oh Jesus, I long for You here and I long to be rid of this whole mess and just be with You. My tears have been my food, for my soul is anguished within me and the pain and hardships of life are overwhelming. So I cry. And I cry. And I pray that I would cry to You, and not to myself-leaning on You and following and trusting Your will rather than my own. Which I sorely-desperately-need. While I cry, my heart and those around me ask me where my God is-both in the pain, and in the joy. All these things, I do remember, and I pour out my soul to You, Jesus. I need You more than anything else I could ever dream of. I used to "go with the throng," and I would lead people to the house of God-with glad thoughts and songs of praise. But Jesus, my soul is still downcast within me-it rolls like the waves of the sea and cries it's own mighty waves. But I, Jesus, will hope in You, for I know I shall again praise You.
