Calmed to a Quiet

I woke up worried today. Then I went to church and instead of becoming calmed and Spirit-filled, I became distraught and resentful. When the prospect of losing everything you love flashes not only across your mind, but also reality, your very life, it creates a certain bitterness and emptiness that is un-fillable. And it longs. And it craves. And when it does not become filled but instead dries up more and more until your heart feels like the driest desert on earth, a painful, empty bitterness and anger takes over until all you can do is wish there were tears of sweet fulfillment to drink and moisten your empty cup. But even fulfillment does not moisten the dryness of bitterness away. It just makes it grow until all you do is lash out, lash out, lash out...until the day that you die.
But there is also another road, a road less traveled, and in human eyes, more bitter than the first. And that, my dear friends, is the pathway of the man of God named Job. I don't know how many of you have heard of the story of Job, but it begins with Satan making an appearance before God. This conniving scoundrel had been wandering up and down the earth, and had taken notice of the man he could not foil. The man who trusted and depended upon God deeply enough not to stumble. Now, mind you, he was not sinless, but he walked in the ways of God. He was humble, gentle, persevering, and repentant--a man in whom God was pleased. Now Satan had noticed this man, and had come before God requesting that he test Job mightily to see if he would cave to the pressure and deny his God. Don't ask me, because I don't know why God said yes to Satan, other than the fact that He was testing Job's faith as gold is tested in the fire--as to be refined-- but God allowed Satan's test to proceed; with the exception that Job's person should not be harmed.
"And the LORD said to Satan, 'Behold, all that he has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.' So Satan went out from the presence of the LORD."
The next series of events happened in one day--now mind you, not all "kingdoms" fall in one day, but Job's life was completely destroyed. "Now there was a day when his sons and daughters were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house, and there came a messenger to Job and said..."
AND HE SAID...your oxen were stolen (1000 in all), your donkeys were stolen (500 female), your servants were killed...and I alone have escaped to tell you. While that man was talking, another rushed in AND SAID, fire from Heaven fell down and devoured your sheep (7000) and your servants...and I alone have escaped to tell you. While THAT man was still talking, another man rushed in AND SAID, the Chaldeans made a raid on your camels (3000), killed all your servants with the edge of the sword, and I alone have escaped to tell you. AND THEN (one more, I promise), while that man was still speaking, another breathless servant came rushing in and exclaimed, your sons (a whole seven of them) and daughters (only three of them), were eating and drinking wine in their oldest brother's house and a great wind came across the desert and struck the four corners of the house so that it fell and crushed them all to smithereens! (I'm sure he didn't say it exactly like that, but you get the point), and I ALONE have escaped to tell you!
Man, what a day for Job. In the morning when he had gotten up, he had taken inventory of all he had. One wife: check. Seven sons: check. Three daughters: check. Seven-thousand sheep: check. Three-thousand camels: check. Five hundred yoke of oxen (which makes 1000 since there is two in each yoke): check. Five hundred female donkeys: check. AND a very many servants: check. Would you say Job had it made? Yeah, I think I would too. And now, not many hours from the moment he looked around with a smile on his face and joy in his heart because of all the blessings he had been blessed with, Job--Job the great and wealthy, loved of God, tore his robe, shaved his head, and fell on the ground....and worshipped. I can not imagine the agony that was ripping through this man's great heart. What was all his wealth to his children, his precious children. I can imagine the sobs of the four remaining servants of Job and the wails of his wife. And Job, face in the dirt, sick with pain...worshipping. How can a man worship when he has received, not minutes before, news that all he possessed and loved was gone? I do not understand.

"And he said, 'Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.' In all this Job did not sin or charge God with wrong."

Oh my Lord, that I would have the faith and patience of Job.
But the story is a nightmare only to be continued...

A Wave High Above My Head

Hebrews 12:3 is my verse for the day-it says: "Consider Him who endured from sinners such hostility against Himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted." How much oftentimes do I find myself growing weary, and very fainthearted-to the point of having droopy hands and weak knees. Oh my Jesus, I am struggling to keep my head above this deep pit of mire that I seem to be sinking in. I know this is not how You intend me to be-You with the gift of the joy of Your salvation, and just the fact that you are not a God who has any part in confusion or fear, but rather of power, and love, and a sound mind. Oh Jesus, I've just been trying not to think about what's coming-but it's not working. I'm ashamed to say that my faith is small and weak and fragile, so far away from how I know You want it to be. I want to pray for a miracle, but at the same time I'm scared, that my prayer won't be answered in the way I want it to. I feel as if I'm a failure-I have a pulsing, nagging pain in my head, and at moments it's all I can do to keep from falling on the floor and just curling up into a ball while I sob-and just die.
But I will still reach out my hand to take Yours; I will still trust You, even in the greatest of trials.

You, My Crevice

In You, oh God, I shall take refuge-You shall be the crevice that I seek shelter in in the midst of storm and gale and heat; I will flee like a bird to You, and to Your holy mountain, for the wicked men have fitted sharpened arrows to their bows, and they point them at my deepest heart, but Your Word says that their sharpened arrows are shot "in the dark at the upright in heart."
I know, Jesus, that You protect Your children, and I know that no matter what happens in this world,  the hearts of the upright are always secure in the palm of Your hand. But Jesus, I'm scared. I feel as if everything around me only has to sniff to sense the fear brooding in me. I crave for absolution; I crave for release; I crave for this mess to be over, and yet it drags on and on and on until us, it's victims, are drained and dried-shriveled images of who we were. I know You work all things for good-I know Your Word is sure, but Jesus, "if the foundations are destroyed, what can the righteous do?" I know Your hand and arm are mighty, and I know Your love runs deep; I know You are the most faithful, and I know You are the truth. Help me to fathom your joy, Jesus. Help me to believe-to trust that You will meet all our needs. And thank You Jesus, for I know that You will.
"For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish.” Says the Lord, my salvation.