Pretend

Tonight is one of those nights when I can’t fall asleep, and I lay here awake instead. Thoughts are running though my head and memories and dreams. Dreams and wishes that have all faded away and been tossed away like broken mirrors- reflecting bits and pieces of who I used to be. It’s so dark. All I hear is the steady ticking of the clock on the farmhouse kitchen wall and the familiar creaking of the worn hardwood floor as I pace up and down and wander throughout the rooms of this tiny house. The faded wallpaper strewn with roses and the yellow tin pitcher filled with yesterday’s wildflowers. The picture-frame windows ajar to let the summer breezes enter and the melodic chirping of a lonely cricket. The millions of stars over my head and not another being for miles.
With my flannel robe and bare feet I’ll wander to the front porch swing and listen to the familiar creaking, my long brown curls draped over my shoulder and the moon glowing bright.
Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking. I beat myself up with no valid reason- my self-esteem is crushed and who has done the deed? I have. My dreams are spoilt by my own carelessness and pride and my heart is wooed without a lover- it was just a dream.
Is this whole life just a dream?
Finally my eyes grow sleepy.

The Arms that Hold

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid?
When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall.
Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet I will be confident.
One thing have I asked of the Lord,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord
and to inquire in his temple.
For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock.
And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the Lord will take me in.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence.
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord
in the land of the living!
Wait for the Lord;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the Lord!

(Psalm 27:1-14 ESV)

Sunken

Through the window I watched the lightning flash and I heard the thunder roll- the rain pounded the ground and my skin felt feverish. As I looked I saw upon the distant hill a tall familiar shadow illuminated by the distant flashes. The wind was whipping the trees around him and the wolf was howling deeply in the moonlit night. For a moment I at stood still and my heart stopped beating. Could it be? Could it really be…
Longing filled my heart and soul and my body yearned to be held by those arms that I had once called mine. As the delirium captured and held me and the fever raged and pulsed through my veins I cried out in anguish and pain.
My knees gave way and I sank to the floor as my tears created a puddle in the persian carpet. My sobs wracked my very soul and shattered the pieces of my fragile heart once again.
I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't believe that the man I loved with all my lonely heart was gone- gone forever, and here I lay, on the floor dying of a broken heart.