Take a Deep Breath

I don't know what it is about coming home, but I feel like I morph into an entirely different person every time the pressure in my head adjusts from the higher elevation of the mountains to down here in the city where the smog is thick and the heat makes the pavement boil. Suddenly the patience that I strive so hard to let control me vanishes, and all my determination and ambition fades away like the end of a flower's life. Maybe it's just that it's hard to transition from a fast-paced, high-expectation situation to one that doesn't have a schedule, and you don't have responsibility or activity except what you make. I don't like this person that I become. I've never thought of myself as someone who works better under stress, but maybe that's who I am after all. I think of those days when I would cram in the endings of projects and write papers in the dead of night as I struggled to finish school, and the nights when I fall asleep as one who has the responsibility of 4-10 little ones. Those are the days that I look back on with fondness--those are the days that I actually remember, while all the others just simply fade away as if they never were really there at all.
I feel so confused and alone inside. Will there ever be a time that I feel like I belong somewhere? Or is that just a curse I have to live with? It seems so foreign to me now, the thought that I'll ever belong with someone or doing something special with my life. I'm just stuck here doing what I've always done, restless in heart, mind, and body but too scared to move on...or to move at all. My parched heart croaks the word why again and again and some moments it's all I can do to not scream at the world and dig a hole to bury myself in. Some days these feelings rush upon me as depression, other times as resentment, others as anger, but what really is it? Insecurity? Lack of purpose? Loneliness? I don't understand, I really don't. But whatever this is, it makes me upset inside, and it drives me toward being a person that I don't want to be--a person that I've been before--a person that scares me.
"Hold My hand, and walk joyously with Me through this day... I am your Guide, as well as your constant companion. I know every step of the journey ahead of you... You don't have to choose between staying close to Me and staying on course. Since I am the Way, staying close to Me is staying on the course."
As I sat in my room this morning, I read those words, and a cool breeze washed over me. They may not be out of the Book itself, but the words portray the Heart of the One I call my Savior. I've tried to be patient where I am, and I've tried to be quote-on-quote good, but I fail every time because such things aren't part of my natural self. I can't do it in my own strength because my own strength is frail. When I was little I thought that there were some things that I would just never have a problem with because it wasn't me, but now that I'm older I realize that we all face the same things, and no one is exempt, even me. But it still hurts, and I still can't tough it out on my own, no matter how hard I try. But is that my problem? Is that the root of my insecurity, my not-belonging-ness, my failures? Have I been fooling myself into believing that I trust Him fully, when I really don't?
Jesus, help me understand.