Raw

I wish that I could just go back to who I was before.
I hate the feeling of being watched--of having others see me. I just want to slink away, hide in a corner, and be angry--all the time.
I may not hide away, but I'm angry, and those around me are starting to notice it.
I feel like it's always me who has to do the reaching out. I try so hard sometimes, and then I just give up.
I always give up.
And because no one reaches out to me I harden my heart and mind and will until all that I am is a shell of empty, hollow anger, pain, and bitterness.
And it festers.
And it rots.
And yet I read the words that say that the languishing shall be given rest, and the dry heart will be turned into a watered garden.
How?
Me?
But I'm so hard inside.
And I'm gagging on my own bitterness.
I can't believe I'm beautiful.
I can't believe I'm useful.
I can't believe I'm truly anyone's friend.
I just want to sob and cry because I feel so alone.
So alone my gut is wrenching.
And all I want to do is die.
Somebody, please, be there for me.

I'm tired of living under a façade.
I'm tired of having dark secrets.
I'm tired of being alone.
I'm tired of being hungry.
I'm tired of waiting.
I'm tired of the knot of tears in my throat.
I'm tired of living in darkness.

Where is the light?
How did I become so blind?
I'm going to break soon, I feel it
And I both crave it 
  and loathe it.
All I want to do is scream.
I hate myself.
I hate the person I've become.