Sometimes I think I'm too sentimental...it's when I can't stop thinking about the giant oak in the front lawn that I'll be leaving. And I wonder if I'll ever have the blessing of living on .49 acres again. It saddens me to think that I'll never be able to sit up late in front of this fireplace that has known so many of my fears and dreams. Silently watched me cry and warmed me with its piping flame on many a winter night. I want to see again the Christmas tree in the front bay window of my home...I want to see the reflection of the Christmas lights and see the snow laid deep outside. But it shall never be, and it makes me ache inside like I've never ached before. Maybe it's the fact of all that's come before, and maybe it's the reality that I'm losing the one thing that I thought I'd never lose. And the culmination of events just makes the horror worse. I shrink from each passing day knowing that soon there will be a day when I have to say goodbye and never come back. And it breaks me so. And I don't know what to do.
I want to curl up and fall asleep and to wake up knowing that it was only the deepest of horror dreams, but I know better. I've made my life a dream and a dream my reality for so long that it's hard to wake up and realize which is actually the truth. It cuts me to the core, for how can I experience the joy of Christ Jesus when I make myself stay numb to all the pain and ugliness around me? How can you be joyful, and yet numb? How can you both sing, and have a lump in your throat? I don't understand. I don't understand at all, and it makes me cry and shudder and shake inside. Most of the time I conceal my emotions well and I hide them inside for no one to see, but other times it's all I can do to utter a word without choking. So I lock myself in the bathroom and cry out my pain and frustration to God, hoping He'll hear me, hoping He'll somehow turn all these bitter tears into something good after all.
