Giggles Caught in Carpet

I want to lock up evenings like these in my memory for the times when I can't remember happiness. As per usual, us three girls, my mom, my sister, and I made dinner and watched a murder mystery movie together. Netflix kept buffering, but we falteringly made it through. Us girls curled up on the couch with our afghans, and my mom in her chair. We suggested various theories and were startled (or horrified) by shocking plot twists. In the end when it was all solved, the night air had grown chilly outside the windows, and our heartbeats started slowing down. She beat me on the word game, and I added to make her word doughboy. My restless legs made me squirm and move to the floor. It's hard but so comfortable. Giggles escaped from between my teeth, and we laughed at my silliness. It's hard to believe that six months from now my pretty sister will be married and moved. It seems like yesterday that we were little girls, and yet, like an old picture, it's faded and torn at the edges. I wanted to stay sprawled out on the floor, giggles reverberating through my head, but she turned the lights out, and if I didn't get up, I'd fall asleep. So I put my dishes away and went out to close in the chickens. Today the guys from Anvil came to set the posts for our new fence. With our backyard one with the neighbor's, and all the trees gone, it seems rather like that old backyard that I carry in my memories now. The huge pine, the big yard, the full garden...just memories now. The metal of the gate clanged like the old dog kennel and all the times I would let Doogie out, rub his floppy hound ears, smile at his exuberance to get out to go sleep in the yard. He's buried there now; I hope the new people won't inadvertently dig up his bones, poor puppy. All those memories from just a wide open space. I looked up to see the stars forming loose constellations in the sky above my head. A light cloud layer made them hazy, but still I watched. Such a pretty picture, those stars. Tiny points of light in such a dark world; such a dark night. I wonder if that's what I should be here tonight--a spark of light in a dark world. Such I should be every waking moment, and though it doesn't seem possible, even when I sleep. How can who I am, who God has made me into, affect the world for good unless I live out that goodness? If I dabble here and there in sin--saying yes to little "pleasures" that I could try to justify all day long--my testimony is ruined, my relationship with my Savior tarnished, my own soul blotched and stained. So many pairs of eyes watch me, even when I'm feeling all alone, and if such is the case, how can I let myself go again and blatantly say no to what I know is right. I shouldn't; I can't. Oh God, my God, earnestly will I seek You. Guard Your little child, and teach me to walk in Your footsteps day by day. Teach me to daily deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Thee.

A Year Ago, Today

Tears Down My Cheeks

Oh peaceful day
Where have you gone
I’ve gotten older
And you’ve left me alone.
The flocks have flown
The sparrows came and went
The cool air seeps into my lungs
But all I feel is older,
Older, and undone.
I used to listen to the sparrows
The morning doves and crickets too
I used to scan the skies for rainbows
And listen the rain fall on the roof.
I used to keep snails and frogs and snakes
And I used to listen to the leaves dancing upon the wind
I used to draw on the driveway with colored chalks,
And I used to shoot hoops, jump rope, ride my bike, and go on walks.
What do I have left but a busy day,
Countless heartaches and the memories of past mistakes?
When beauty has been tainted by darkness and sin
You tend to not see the beauty still around you because deep inside you feel that, like you, someday it will end.
I long to be back inside that little girl;
The one innocent to the world,
The one unscarred by violence
And unbroken by the loss of love.
I long to reach my arm up and trace the paneled lines of ceiling in my grammamma’s house in the mountains, hear the roar of the semi on the highway;
I long to dip my feet in the big river and fish with my papa of long ago.
I’m tired of the pain of life; I long to stay a little girl; curled up in the sleeping bag of dancing deer,
And dream of princes riding over mountain peaks.
I long to tuck my feet under me upon the window seat in that little cabin on the hill, and stay there till the sun sinks low.
I’ve slowly forgotten the child-dreams,
Forgotten the innocence of youth.
How I wish to return inside that little body, even with the rumpled braid and wild curls.
Where the pressure of life was not even a thought, and the joy of life was never-ending.
Maybe in my dreams tonight
I can be that little girl,
Because some days it’s too hard
To live in the wide, and lonely world.

The Trickle that Forms the Canyon

It's moments like these that my heart so desperately clings to. When memories flow through my tired head, not bad ones, or bitter times, but the little things that, like a trickle of water carves a canyon, have formed in me the fingerprints of my soul. I lay in my bed, my fuzzy blanket draped over my arms, the only one awake this wee hour, and I think of all the times I spent up till one, two, three, even five in the morning alone in that quiet house; whether my pen was stratching away at the paper, or my head rested against the window pane, staring at the majestic oak that graced the front lawn, or the moon and the bright morning star. Sometimes I would be curled up in front of the fireplace, or sprawled out on the floor, my curls wild, my eyes tired, never dreaming that those moments would someday end. But it seems like everything you love in life you lose, or the beauty is somehow stripped away. I heard once that what Satan cannot prevent, he perverts, and how true. All the beautiful things of the world, when viewed by darkened eyes, are only darkened things. For, "if the light in you is darkness, how deep is that darkness..." I've felt the oppressiveness of that kind of darkness; everything suddenly becomes a trap, a snare, a lie, a perversion, but how far that darkness is from the truth. "God is light, and in Him is no darkness at all." In Him, and Him alone, purity and goodness and love reign fully; in us, darkness hides in deepest corners, waiting to creep out and engulf our lives and steal our souls. It's at those times when I feel a bitter, empty anger grip my heart and mind; it brews a storm within me and makes my days a challenge and a torture, rather than a blessing. I need to learn to cling to my Savior more, for how can I call Him my Savior if I keep returning to the very things He's saved me from? That's just it--I can't. But He is my Savior, my Lord and King--Jesus Christ--the One who died for me. So tonight I'll rest my head on my pillow, and think of all the blessings lavished upon me. Morning by morning, grace anew; evening by evening, redemption coming through. I have a new home--not the same, but a roof and a bed. I have a family that still is together--different, yes, than three years ago, but better despite the pain. I have a ministry I love, that God has never ceased to use. I have food in my belly and water to quench a parched throat. I have freedom to speak my heart, sing to my King, disagree with the government, make a difference. I am blessed. Even though in my mind I have been reduced, I am by far richer than most of the world. My eyes see, my ears listen, my mouth tastes, my knees bend; I can read and I can write--I am a privileged human being. With all the pain of past days, I am still a blessed person. May I never forget, even in the darkest days to come. I'll remember the oak in the front lawn, and the apple in the back. I'll remember the graves of family pets, and recall the scent of the roses in the garden. I'll be thankful for the time I had, and not bitter about the time I don't.