I want to be loved for who I am, not what I can give--not what I can make someone feel. Sometimes I have conversations with myself about who I am and who I want to be, and I say to myself, "Don't let yourself go to anyone who loves your body more than your soul.." But do you know how hard that is? So many people see you and meet you and form an opinion of who you are before they have even had a conversation with you, before they even know your name. I don't know about you, but I don't wear my emotions, or my soul, on my sleeve. My eyes don't portray the pain I've felt and the creases in the palms of my hands can't tell you all the places I've been. And so many people only see the sheen of your hair or the flash of your smile--the curve of your hips or the spring in your step--and yet, they don't care to know who you
really are. Appearances are so misleading. Smiles are so deceiving. And the words of the song run through my head tonight as I count down the hours to a new year:
who will love me for me, not for what I have done or who I'll become.. I want to say there is someone like that that I can give my heart to. I've wanted that for a long time, and I will most likely always want that. Women were made to crave love--well actually it was a curse placed upon us for our sin--we will always long to be loved and love will evade us. I know my Savior's arms are open wide, and He satisfies my every need, but you cannot deny that there is a part deep inside that wants to be cherished--humanly. We all want someone to think about us more that we think about ourselves...we all want someone who will love us even after they have heard all our stories and all our secrets--even the dark and terrible, even the nightmares. I've been sitting here in this dimly lit room listening to the clock tick, knowing that it won't stop, but rather usher in a new year...and I'm trying to be happy and excited, but for some reason I can't stir my soul. I'm thankful for what my God has done and all that He will continue to do, but at the same time I'm tired, and my soul is weary. This past year has been both a joy and a heartache. It will be forever marked as the holder of past mistakes and cruel days, but my God has shown Himself to be the Bestower of light and the Great Giver of days and of life--greater than any day or any year or any earthly tyrant, whether breathing or seeming.
It was this year, only a few hours away actually, that I was told that he wanted to marry me.
It was this year that my life and heart were changed at a camp I had never been to, and with people I barely knew--waist deep in snow.
It was this year that my family was torn at the seams with not only one, but two trials before a stern judge.
It was this year that my sister realized she was falling in love--and this year that I realized I wouldn't have my sister next to me for very much longer.
It was this year that my heart was torn from my chest when I realized a love I had professed wasn't real.
It was this year that the home I loved and adored was taken from me and given to another.
It was this year that I kissed my high school days goodbye.
It was this year that I sat behind the wheel of a car--hands sticky and heart uncertain.
It was this year that I felt so empty, and yet so full.
This has been a year in which my biggest struggle, unavoidable, has been to move on. Whether or not I wanted it, whether or not I cared. And I have to confess, I'm scared for a new year to come. I'm scared of the uncertainty and of the possibilities of failure. I need to look up at the stars and re-focus my heart on what truly matters. I know not how many years I have left. I may have one, I may have twenty, and I may only have a few breaths left, but I know no matter what--through it all--thick and thin--that I have a God who is bigger than any mistake I could ever make, more forgiving than any crime I could ever commit, more faithful than I could ever be faithless. 2014, I want you to be a year filled with my faithfulness toward my Savior, I want you to be a year in which I conquer fears that have held me prisoner for so long, and I want you to be a year in which I can raise my arms every day to the sky and proclaim the joy that I have in my deepest of hearts.
As this new day dawns I will sing of a love that never fails, no matter how much I may crave.
As a new day dawns I will open my eyes to His wonders anew--and I will sing because
I have been redeemed.
