05 April 2017

So Many Things

"Where will you go when your wildfire all burns out
and no one cares anymore."

I've been struggling so much the past few weeks, more like months, now...
with a lack of feeling hungry, but intense mood changes instead;
with a lack of true conversation with someone other than my man;
with a lack of communication with the people I thought who cared enough to keep in contact;
with a feeling of un-appreciation and being burnt out on everything I've ever done.

And all of it has crowded down on top of me with such a ferocity that at least once a week I find myself crying desperate tears and experiencing heaves of shortness of breath.

I just feel totally alone and I don't know how to fix it or how to move on. 

I feel like my wildfire has all burnt out, and the only thing I have left is an empty heart--not even full of the poetry that used to spill forth from my soul with every aching breath.

How times have changed for this girl. From sitting in a sun-soaked bedroom shared with my sister, staring out the window and going on walks, to a married woman preparing to buy a house within the next year.

I find myself caught up in a world that is moving too fast, changes happening all around me, and so much of the world devoid of any hope, or love, or peace.

I cry out to my God and try to mediate on His unending and boundless love for me, but more often than not I get sucked into the trap of self-pity and thanklessness, completely ignoring all the good that surrounds me and instead dwelling on the darkness.

I don't want to be that kind of person. 

I must remind myself to give thanks in all circumstances, just as I am commanded--beloved child of God.

26 January 2016

Teach Me to Surrender

I always come back to the knowledge that it's in the moments that I'm the happiest,
the most contented--
that I fall.

Scripture even says
"Be careful if you think you stand, lest you fall."
And how little I heed that warning.

How often I go my own way
and allow my head to be turned by pretty things or kind words or even my own fleshly heart.

And how it makes me ache,
knowing that the only person who causes this is me--

Oh God,
how I need You!
Every hour I need You.
Teach me to surrender my desires,
my emotions,
my plans,
my dreams,
my heart,
my intentions,
my affections--

all of me--

To only You.

You are my God--
please teach me to live that way instead of stumbling around in the darkness
groping for the path beneath my feet.
Shine a light into my heart and make me new again--
pure again.

Oh God,
I can't do it on my own,
and I need You.

Hear my prayer, Lord Jesus,

04 January 2016


Tonight I'm so infinitely grateful.
For you.

For what God is doing in and through us,
for bringing us together--
for giving us a future and a hope.

I'm thankful for warm beds and midnight movie-watching

I'm thankful for the way you make me laugh and the way you hold my hand

I'm thankful for the way you pry the thoughts out of my head
and the way you gently correct me when I'm wrong

I'm thankful for your goofy moments and for reminding me that life's too short to be serious

I'm thankful for the people who love you and who have embraced me

I'm thankful for your thrill about diesel trucks and turbo-boosts and hunting birds and Taco Bell

And that grin that spreads across your freckled cheeks and lights up your blue eyes

Never in all my days could I express the amount of love I have for you, my friend

You are a God-send and a friend,
and I love you.

Thank you for taking a chance with me.